Mired in Muck

 Personally, I have been struggling these past few months with the whole 'Higher Power' issue that is part of some steps in the AA process. We are to recognize our Higher Power - It can be anything we are told. But I think the belief they want you to establish is that there is a something else there that controls things, and not some idealistic Big Bang theory. They have said your Higher Power could be anything, you just have to believe in it. Well, based on how I was raised, I knew there was God and his opposite, Satan. Though I have not followed, worshipped, or practiced any religion since my younger teen years, I wanted to get to this second step of admitting my powerlessness with alcohol to a Higher Power. But I held back (maybe am holding back) because I feel something isn't right.

I'm sure that anyone that has attended any basic Christian church, knows that John 3:16 verse that everyone throws around. 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin made it a big thing in his wrestling career. It covers everything in one verse - God's love for us that he gave his son, and if we believe in him, we will have eternal life (salvation). But what if you carry so much doubt, so much that you, to the core, believe that God could not accept you back after things you have done. That placing Faith (not seen) which is Trust, to an entity that is supposed to help mold you into their form (attitude, etc.). I used to call myself Agnostic - would only believe it if I saw it. This went from miracles to rare occurrences. In this day and age of cell phones, we see too much of it, as well as probably ten times worse stuff (the Devil has media in his pocket).It's easy to NOT to want to blindly place faith in/on an intangible. But I used to do so. Why can't I now?

I know questions roll through my mind about it several times a day. I'm not good enough. How do I know He wants me back? Do I just drop back in where I left off? I'm an adult now and it has been many years, how does this affect things? So many questions that lean to self-doubt. In a sense, I am scared to release control of all things, and let something I cannot see guide me. I have other thoughts of what I remember as parts of the Bible having read before, but even RM has not been able to find a reference to what I am thinking - is it really there? Or am I being manipulated by the Devil, to increase the self-doubt issues I am having currently.

In several shares of other AA members, I have heard that many of their Sponsors told them to 'fake it 'til you make it' when it comes to a Higher Power. I have done that for jobs, but never on something like this. I don't want to be a fake Christian. I want to be able to completely give myself to God, but I don't want to give up the control. 

My. I am going to stop there. Seems I have more issue than one in regards to this. In the meantime, I will read any book that I think will help me understand the type of person I am, and what I need to do. I will read passages from the Bible. And yes, though I am not oral about praying, I do pray as well. May he guide me to His will for me today.

PeacE

... And So It Starts ...

 The work week, for many, starts today. That glorious day most people whine about, Monday. Though, I have kind of starting liking Mondays. It's that start of the week to go through my calendar and see what is happening this week with appointments and other events. I sort of prepare my mind set for things that I may have to be at/do. That was taken away from me this morning.

I woke early, at 6am, and decided to go ahead and get up. I read in my book, I spent some time in reflection. I was praying when the Wife comes in the office. Seems the Middle Son and his partner are having [another] big fight. The Son is at work. She is allegedly sending him multiple texts and disturbing him at work. He is getting angrier and saying things I don't think he truly means. Needless to say, this is not the first (or second) time this has happened. It always begins with HER contacting everyone in our family except the Daughter and myself. She threatens to leave (with or without my grandson) and though it usually seems to happen on weekends, the Youngest and the Wife will rush over to help calm them. I'm usually informed of what is going on through the Wife. 

You would think there would be a point where "Dad gets involved", but I cannot. Through my bad decisions and lifestyle (the drinking) it has affected my relationship with my Middle Son the most, and unfortunately, he is the one most like me. That includes the drinking problems, as in, I have one, it might as well be 100. 

I'm going to stop there. You don't need to know anymore about it, and I don't want to think about it. I told the Wife this morning to just reply to the partner: no, we will not help you get a hotel room to get out of the apartment. Then I told the Wife she should add, you are both adults, start being one. I'm tired of these events happening. I mean, as parents we help them out as much as we can, financially at times to make sure they don't bounce payments, etc. But with the Son the only one working ... Okay, gotta stop again before I leave eraser marks all over the page and white-out on the screen.

So my prayer time was interrupted, thankfully I was nearly done. I had a moment to add this event on, too. Some mornings like today, I think I need a therapist on-call for me. I need to yell and scream and point out how "I am right" about this, and be judgmental about everything and everyone. I do have one, and I have 'hit my knees' at least more than twice since this started this morning. I take my blood pressure reading first thing every morning. I wonder how bad it is now, seeing how I am more than little angry, and so many other things.

Hope your day starts better than mine ...

PeacE