Personally, I have been struggling these past few months with the whole 'Higher Power' issue that is part of some steps in the AA process. We are to recognize our Higher Power - It can be anything we are told. But I think the belief they want you to establish is that there is a something else there that controls things, and not some idealistic Big Bang theory. They have said your Higher Power could be anything, you just have to believe in it. Well, based on how I was raised, I knew there was God and his opposite, Satan. Though I have not followed, worshipped, or practiced any religion since my younger teen years, I wanted to get to this second step of admitting my powerlessness with alcohol to a Higher Power. But I held back (maybe am holding back) because I feel something isn't right.
I'm sure that anyone that has attended any basic Christian church, knows that John 3:16 verse that everyone throws around. 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin made it a big thing in his wrestling career. It covers everything in one verse - God's love for us that he gave his son, and if we believe in him, we will have eternal life (salvation). But what if you carry so much doubt, so much that you, to the core, believe that God could not accept you back after things you have done. That placing Faith (not seen) which is Trust, to an entity that is supposed to help mold you into their form (attitude, etc.). I used to call myself Agnostic - would only believe it if I saw it. This went from miracles to rare occurrences. In this day and age of cell phones, we see too much of it, as well as probably ten times worse stuff (the Devil has media in his pocket).It's easy to NOT to want to blindly place faith in/on an intangible. But I used to do so. Why can't I now?
I know questions roll through my mind about it several times a day. I'm not good enough. How do I know He wants me back? Do I just drop back in where I left off? I'm an adult now and it has been many years, how does this affect things? So many questions that lean to self-doubt. In a sense, I am scared to release control of all things, and let something I cannot see guide me. I have other thoughts of what I remember as parts of the Bible having read before, but even RM has not been able to find a reference to what I am thinking - is it really there? Or am I being manipulated by the Devil, to increase the self-doubt issues I am having currently.
In several shares of other AA members, I have heard that many of their Sponsors told them to 'fake it 'til you make it' when it comes to a Higher Power. I have done that for jobs, but never on something like this. I don't want to be a fake Christian. I want to be able to completely give myself to God, but I don't want to give up the control.
My. I am going to stop there. Seems I have more issue than one in regards to this. In the meantime, I will read any book that I think will help me understand the type of person I am, and what I need to do. I will read passages from the Bible. And yes, though I am not oral about praying, I do pray as well. May he guide me to His will for me today.
PeacE
