A Day With the Wife ... Sorta

 Today I have a pretty easy schedule. Both are at Mayo in Scottsdale: a blood draw for some tests, and an ultra-sound to take a look at the stent from the TIPS. This is just a routine follow-up to be sure nothing has "come loose" or gone wrong. Both are in the 9 o'clock hour time frame, so I am thinking lunch somewhere with the Wife. She took today off work to drive me since the Youngest is out of town for a couple more days. After that, I see myself playing video games.

I think I am doing pretty good with my time I set aside each morning to do my praying, etc. It's the evenings I don't make time for review of the day and did I do anyone wrong, etc. I just do those in the morning. RM has mentioned she keeps a prayer journal, of those she is praying for (and if they are sick, or whatever) as long as it is something that isn't overly personal. I have thought about doing one as well, just to remember daily who to pray for, since my memory is still not the greatest. I might go to Dollar Tree and get a cheap notebook to try it out for awhile. IF it works for me, then I could upgrade the notebook. Or not.

I am probably about three chapters from finishing the book "Restore" that I have been trying to read a chapter per day in. I think it is an okay read. There are a few sections that actually seem to have some idea(s) that I was looking for. But I think most of it should be directed to an alcoholic, like in the AA program. There is quite a bit I wish I knew about (re)starting my relationship with God in AA than I did. This would be a good fill in for explanations of addictions with some stories as well. I think it will be a book I pass along to like my Home group when we meet in person sometimes.

Speaking of that, I guess we are doing a "private party" event Saturday. There is a speaker sharing their story this Saturday about noon at a church not too far from my house, about 35th Ave and Northern. I think it is someone the ones in my group know from over the years. Then afterwards going to lunch together at Wildflower at 7th St and Bethany Home. I don't know if I want to really go to Wildflower, it's not my kind of restaurant, but I will take a look at the menu before deciding. Then I need to decide if I want to drive that much. But I was invited to the grouping ... which was nice.

No true idea on how I feel today. With the recent TIPS, and doing the prep clean-out for the colonoscopy, I am not quite sure where I sit with just my regular meds and all. I'm not feeling bad, just not 100% myself.

And with that, I am out of here. I need to wake the Wife and we will head out in about 45 minutes.

PeacE

Geez ... Pick Something Already!

 I have started recently to do a 'quiet time' for reflection, meditation, and time with God. Why? Well, because I see others doing, or claiming to, it and how much it helps them. RM has been doing her morning time with God for years now, and I think that is what pushed me into doing something of the same. I haven't done Discipleship training. I don't have a daily devotional to study a passage of the Bible each day. Right now I read a chapter (they're short) in this book RM recommended, followed with bringing my Bible out. Most days I am turn about reading the Bible. I have argued with myself that the best place to start is at the beginning. But part of me rebels, and would prefer a more methodical, devotional, teaching way of doing this. So I would just randomly open it up, and read some of the passages from that page and maybe a page or two further. Do I always make sense of it? Not a chance! Sometimes do I get 'lucky'? Sure! Even a blind squirrel is able to find a nut every now and then.

This morning I decided I would focus on reading a book of the bible. Doesn't matter how much of a chapter(s) I read, but that I do it. I decided on Psalms. In the process of finding and placing my Faith, I thought this might be a good starting spot to learn how to lift God up, share his praises, and still learn. As I started this morning, I felt better - more focused, more in-tune with what I was reading, able to apply myself to it better (I think). Then lastly comes Prayer.

Is there a perfect outline/formula for prayer? If there is, I don't know of it. I give praise, for what I have seen and what I have not seen. I ask for guidance to do His will. I ask for forgiveness for my wrongdoings, and the help to "forget" them when given up. That one is hard. Relinquishing control over things is just hard for me. I think it is a carry-over from when I was a narcissist (my drinking days) of having/keeping control. 

Somewhere in all this, I started texting RM each morning. I toss out a GM!, a daily affirmation, or positive vibe, and an I love you Mom! It's good I stay in touch better. Especially when I have questions of a spiritual nature, RM is near at hand. Plus, I think she likes the attention (smirk).

Went to a birthday party for a good friend yesterday and even the Wife went with me (finally talked her into it). Tons of food! Smoked brisket, shredded pork, chicken, ribs... and that was just the meat! we ate, and visited briefly one on one with the Hosts. After a couple hours, both of us were ready to go. There was just too many people. Every room was crowded and standing room only, plus between the heat, and something I had ate, was making me nauseous. The Wife's social meter was buried in the red she told me on the way home ... where I did get sick, but felt better after. My Brother and SIL were there, so I visited a bit with him. We haven't seen each other in a while, so he caught me up on his kids' issues, and about the granddaughter living with them. Then actually asked about how I was doing, so I shared where I was at with my medical. I may need to use him for a colonoscopy appt. later this month, if the Youngest doesn't make it back from his trip in time. We briefly talked about phone habits - he prefers calling people to update them on things, and just talk. I hate talking on the phone. You have me on the phone, it's going to be short, with info that I needed quickly. Otherwise text me, and I'll get back you in some form. So my Brother tells my Sister he doesn't talk to me because I am mean on the phone. Eyeroll. What made him think that? (Duh!)

After I finish this it is a work day. I need to do the Riders minutes, and the Agenda for the House Comm. I did hear last night, unofficially still, that the Riders did have a positive vote to become a separate entity/sister organization to the VFW. Still nothing from leadership at the State or National level have sent anything to me. The website does not reflect any changes. I know it was just last weekend, but still. Sigh what can ya do?

With that I am out of here!

PeacE

dot dot dot

It's been awhile. I almost missed being here. I say almost, because, for once in my life, I was doing the right thing. The 'right thing' as I see it is spending the time I have with my family. Yes, I can see many of you agree, it is a great and noble thing to do. Why waste your time here, when you have those things to do....

Which brings me back to here.... it feels like home.

In the last month, and maybe some more days than that, I have devote myself back to the family unit. Back to being more in the daily life of my children than I had been before. Trying my best to be more of a father than I had been before. Sounds pathetic, in a sense doesn't it? Why would I have to be more of one, if I was a good one before?

Simple answer. I wasn't/weren't/ain't the good father I thought I was....

No. None of the children are in welfare. None are in danger in our home. None are beaten senseless in drunken rages, or abused in physical way. And as I see it, none are verbally abused either....

Best place to start, they always say, is at the beginning...... I like to drink.

You'd think drinking is bad enough, but that is what I do... now. And even that is being controlled by me. How much you can trust an alcoholic? Well, my Wife trusts me. That trust has done wonders.

But, that's not the home problem. It's about growing old. Or for some, growing older.

I am a 38 year old male, who loves his High School Sweetheart, (whom I married) and we have had 4 WONDERFUL children together. My extremely talented daughter (18) and the three boys (11,7, 4). That's if I got their ages all correct. I am not a stickler for that.

Last night, there was an altercation. Mom and the daughter were in another room, and the all I heard was the daughter 'sassing back' to her mother. Strictly my interpretation of it. So I verbally broke in, and told daughter to not speak to her mother that way.

From there, it went to hell.

I have an 18 year old daughter telling both her parents to "fuck off" (yes Reverend Mother, exact words of your 'Princess') and not listening to anything. It's all about her. Let the police show up and take everyone to jail, because she can be out of this house.

Gotta love that. In fact, it sounds so good, I should have a PBR in my hand, and live in Kentucky!

Needless to say, the Wife and I are at wits end. The Daughter graduates in June, and is going to U of A in Tucson. We have told her for years, she gets R&B there, plus whatever else we can help pay over what grants/scholarships she gets.

It's all true. But to me it ain't right. The Daughter still has what they call here, 'Early Hour' band practices. So, she still needs to be driven to school early, before regular hours. This week, the Wife has vacation - one of those job things. Use it or lose it. This is her week she took to get it used.

So, after last night's 'fiasco', I awake and find a letter from the daughter. After reading it, I assume it is an apology from the 'fit' she had the night before. No, it is a letter placing blame on every family member for her problems, and total blame on me, for how she has become a failure in life.

The letter stated that *I* did not: support her choir concerts, her band concerts, the marching band activities, the theatrical plays, the class plays, in short... everything she has extracurricular in HS. True, I have not been to all of them. And the important ones, like the seniors walk at last home game.... she verbally said she did not want me to walk with her.

If this don't sound like a bad 'redneck' family, you tell me!

Tonight... I went to a bar. I drank. More than I have in over a month. I waited purposefully, before coming home. I wanted all the kids in bed. I said ALL.Especially the daughter, tonight. I asked my loving Wife, if the daughter and her had talked about the 'letter'. No.

(sigh)

I don't know how ot phrase it, but I have had the WORST kind of things happen in my life, been presented with the WORST sort of situations, and SUFFERED the consequences of my actions.... but this instance with the Daughter... I am at a loss.

I gave up on Christ years ago. I gave up on believing in family about the same time. My self belief - heh, I question it at the most important times. My Wife, who has been there through it all, has been the one thing I don't question.

So, what do I do?

(sigh)

I ain't really asking for no one's opinions..... just getting shit off my chest I guess.

Like the song says... 'God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy".

Good luck to the fucker that can figure my life out. Call me if ya do.

PeacE

The LAte show on Sunday....

I remember when I was younger thewre used to be a late late movie show on Saturday nights.Whateer happened to that? I grew up in Indiana with it, and even when I transplanted to AZ there it still was... a network idea of having that late late movie. On good days I was allowed to stay up and watch it, but before I graduated HS and into adulthood (meaning living on my own) the whole concept disappeared. Now to do a late late movie, you have to have video or DVD to do it.... times change I guess. More people interested in listening to what I consider drivel from other late night venues. Leno, Letterman, and all them are off the hook, they only do weeknights... I am talking about weekends, preferably Saturdays. Oh Well, another part of the TV world gone...

So a brief rcap of my day... TSO was AWESOME! The show was better than last years, and my older children walked away saying "WOW! And they played my favorite songs!" That makes me feel good in taking them. And The oldest Boy, he could not quit commenting about the pyrotechnics they had .... he was impressed. Good Xmas day present!

I wqas out a bit earlier, surfing the net and looking for pics appropriate for the website. I am all for boobies, and of course beer, but I have had a conscience hit tonight. So many of the pics I had available to post, obviously showed the nudity of breasts... and I wonder if since my blog is not 21+ (cuz I have no idea how to make it so, and even if I did, I dunno if I would) I wonder about the amount of nudity a pic may show. I think most (if not all) of the pics I have posted before were only breasts, but I am not going back to research. I want to get an opinion here....

Should I post no matter what, or should I limit the posts to cover as much detail as possible, or should I revert to what I consider "catalog advertising" meaning they are clothed and just suggesting? Let me know in comments your opinion. I NEED TO KNOW!

Last of all I have to day is a wonder prayer I came across whilst surfing. Those of you that wish, may steal it, as I did - and I would give credit, but I forgot where I stole it. Enjoy.

PeacE

Our Lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.

Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk)
At home as in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill
against us.

And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
For ever and ever,
Barmen.