I Almost Done Forgot ...

 ... to write in here today. I was going through the morning routine but when I got to the part where I write a post, I didn't even think about it and went on with whatever I do next. I was like, 'Whoa!'. So I backtracked and here we are. Sitting and staring at the screens between us, waiting for me to come up with some significant ramble to entertain you.

I mentioned yesterday I think, that at the birthday party on Saturday, my Brother and I caught up a bit. While we were talking about my medical stuff (I believe it was the TIPS), I had said something along the lines of '...and eventually get rid of this lump' and he sort of pointedly looked at my stomach. So I lifted the edge of my shirt and showed him the umbilical hernia I have going on. He about freaked at first, then he whips out his phone and begs me to show it again so he can get a picture. I asked why he would want a picture of my 'inside-out' belly button, and his reply ... that thing has a nipple on it! SMH. I tried to explain it isn't a nipple, but the actual bottom of the belly button being pushed out. HE wouldn't see it any other way though and kept on about the "nipple". Needless to say, I don't know how many beers he was in, and he never did get a picture. My Brother is an idiot at times ....

This week is not too crazy. House/Ent Comm. meeting on Tuesday. Para on Wednesday, Middle Son's birthday on Friday, and a Dist 3 training meeting on Saturday (VFW). Next week will be the busy one with a CT, and the tips procedure.

I did finally get the minutes for the Riders done, and the Agenda for the House/Ent Comm. yesterday morning. It only took me like 4 hours. Sigh. But it is done and out of the way.

Looks like I need to place an order at the grocery. I am out of soda. I'd prefer to get like a gallon of tea, but the fridge is too full to support two gallons, plus the milk. Sodas I can counter after opening. I think the Youngest is out as well.

The Wife made a quick stew last night, and I even admitted to her, it had to be one of the best renditions she has made. The potatoes and carrots were cooked to perfection - nice and soft, yet firm enough to stay in shape. I think she used one of the smaller pork tenderloins for meat, so nice chunks there. It was spiced wonderfully (even if I do add more, and hotter, after a try a few bites. I suppose I need to get off my butt and do a dinner again. I was trying for once a week, but this past week I have been fatigued for some reason. That started about Thursday, and still lingers. I think itis just yet another symptom of the medical stuff going on, or worsening. I don't know. 

I did message Mayo regarding the standing doctor's orders I have at Banner Hospital for my paracentesis. I could schedule my own as need for therapeutic reasons, but limited to the 10L max drain. It expires 8/20/26. So I asked if it needs to be extended, could it be extended, what are we going to do? The reduction of fluid build-up to is supposed to decrease, does not happen miraculously overnight, and I may need to do some paras for a bit afterwards - hoping that the length of time between increases, and the drainage amount decreases. I hope to have an answer today.

Yet another prescription to get today. I have one other I am waiting to be filled, and that will be all of them this month. I also need to get some more lancets for the glucose testing. Maybe after I pick up my store order.

PeacE

Geez ... Pick Something Already!

 I have started recently to do a 'quiet time' for reflection, meditation, and time with God. Why? Well, because I see others doing, or claiming to, it and how much it helps them. RM has been doing her morning time with God for years now, and I think that is what pushed me into doing something of the same. I haven't done Discipleship training. I don't have a daily devotional to study a passage of the Bible each day. Right now I read a chapter (they're short) in this book RM recommended, followed with bringing my Bible out. Most days I am turn about reading the Bible. I have argued with myself that the best place to start is at the beginning. But part of me rebels, and would prefer a more methodical, devotional, teaching way of doing this. So I would just randomly open it up, and read some of the passages from that page and maybe a page or two further. Do I always make sense of it? Not a chance! Sometimes do I get 'lucky'? Sure! Even a blind squirrel is able to find a nut every now and then.

This morning I decided I would focus on reading a book of the bible. Doesn't matter how much of a chapter(s) I read, but that I do it. I decided on Psalms. In the process of finding and placing my Faith, I thought this might be a good starting spot to learn how to lift God up, share his praises, and still learn. As I started this morning, I felt better - more focused, more in-tune with what I was reading, able to apply myself to it better (I think). Then lastly comes Prayer.

Is there a perfect outline/formula for prayer? If there is, I don't know of it. I give praise, for what I have seen and what I have not seen. I ask for guidance to do His will. I ask for forgiveness for my wrongdoings, and the help to "forget" them when given up. That one is hard. Relinquishing control over things is just hard for me. I think it is a carry-over from when I was a narcissist (my drinking days) of having/keeping control. 

Somewhere in all this, I started texting RM each morning. I toss out a GM!, a daily affirmation, or positive vibe, and an I love you Mom! It's good I stay in touch better. Especially when I have questions of a spiritual nature, RM is near at hand. Plus, I think she likes the attention (smirk).

Went to a birthday party for a good friend yesterday and even the Wife went with me (finally talked her into it). Tons of food! Smoked brisket, shredded pork, chicken, ribs... and that was just the meat! we ate, and visited briefly one on one with the Hosts. After a couple hours, both of us were ready to go. There was just too many people. Every room was crowded and standing room only, plus between the heat, and something I had ate, was making me nauseous. The Wife's social meter was buried in the red she told me on the way home ... where I did get sick, but felt better after. My Brother and SIL were there, so I visited a bit with him. We haven't seen each other in a while, so he caught me up on his kids' issues, and about the granddaughter living with them. Then actually asked about how I was doing, so I shared where I was at with my medical. I may need to use him for a colonoscopy appt. later this month, if the Youngest doesn't make it back from his trip in time. We briefly talked about phone habits - he prefers calling people to update them on things, and just talk. I hate talking on the phone. You have me on the phone, it's going to be short, with info that I needed quickly. Otherwise text me, and I'll get back you in some form. So my Brother tells my Sister he doesn't talk to me because I am mean on the phone. Eyeroll. What made him think that? (Duh!)

After I finish this it is a work day. I need to do the Riders minutes, and the Agenda for the House Comm. I did hear last night, unofficially still, that the Riders did have a positive vote to become a separate entity/sister organization to the VFW. Still nothing from leadership at the State or National level have sent anything to me. The website does not reflect any changes. I know it was just last weekend, but still. Sigh what can ya do?

With that I am out of here!

PeacE

Mired in Muck

 Personally, I have been struggling these past few months with the whole 'Higher Power' issue that is part of some steps in the AA process. We are to recognize our Higher Power - It can be anything we are told. But I think the belief they want you to establish is that there is a something else there that controls things, and not some idealistic Big Bang theory. They have said your Higher Power could be anything, you just have to believe in it. Well, based on how I was raised, I knew there was God and his opposite, Satan. Though I have not followed, worshipped, or practiced any religion since my younger teen years, I wanted to get to this second step of admitting my powerlessness with alcohol to a Higher Power. But I held back (maybe am holding back) because I feel something isn't right.

I'm sure that anyone that has attended any basic Christian church, knows that John 3:16 verse that everyone throws around. 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin made it a big thing in his wrestling career. It covers everything in one verse - God's love for us that he gave his son, and if we believe in him, we will have eternal life (salvation). But what if you carry so much doubt, so much that you, to the core, believe that God could not accept you back after things you have done. That placing Faith (not seen) which is Trust, to an entity that is supposed to help mold you into their form (attitude, etc.). I used to call myself Agnostic - would only believe it if I saw it. This went from miracles to rare occurrences. In this day and age of cell phones, we see too much of it, as well as probably ten times worse stuff (the Devil has media in his pocket).It's easy to NOT to want to blindly place faith in/on an intangible. But I used to do so. Why can't I now?

I know questions roll through my mind about it several times a day. I'm not good enough. How do I know He wants me back? Do I just drop back in where I left off? I'm an adult now and it has been many years, how does this affect things? So many questions that lean to self-doubt. In a sense, I am scared to release control of all things, and let something I cannot see guide me. I have other thoughts of what I remember as parts of the Bible having read before, but even RM has not been able to find a reference to what I am thinking - is it really there? Or am I being manipulated by the Devil, to increase the self-doubt issues I am having currently.

In several shares of other AA members, I have heard that many of their Sponsors told them to 'fake it 'til you make it' when it comes to a Higher Power. I have done that for jobs, but never on something like this. I don't want to be a fake Christian. I want to be able to completely give myself to God, but I don't want to give up the control. 

My. I am going to stop there. Seems I have more issue than one in regards to this. In the meantime, I will read any book that I think will help me understand the type of person I am, and what I need to do. I will read passages from the Bible. And yes, though I am not oral about praying, I do pray as well. May he guide me to His will for me today.

PeacE

If The DEA Knew ...

 ... about the amount of drugs (prescriptions) I have picked up (legally) this week, I am sure I would be border-line arrestable. Well, maybe that isn't totally true, but I feel like it. I have already been up to the pharmacy twice, and have yet another order ready for me to pick up. I am not complaining by any means. I 'need' these per Mayo, to get by until the transplant. I trust them, as I have no choice, really. I have no knowledge that would lead to a different route. I recall this past Wednesday, while with the nurses as they prepped my albumin drip, they had asked my plans. I said I was getting a burrito from Al Pollo Loco, then picking up some drugs - I got a hard look. 'You mean prescriptions, right?' they asked. I convinced her that yes, I meant prescriptions ... then when she turned away I rolled my eyes. This nurse wasn't one of the ones you could joke with, and I had not seen her before. Oh well, such is life.

I was left home yesterday evening, unsupervised, and you know that isn't always a good thing. But I tried to make it one. I found another online AA meeting and decided to attend. It doesn't hurt to get out there and try different groups. I wasn't too sure about this one. I did know two people there, as they are in my home group, but otherwise, knew no one. I wasn't really 'welcomed' in, though that doesn't matter to me. Just an observation. There was a good topic of discussion on Faith and Acceptance, and I heard some good shares, but overall, the group mentality to me just wasn't clicking. I may try this group again another time, and see if it, or I, have changed.

Yesterday evening I was teasing with RM. I had some notifications go off on my phone, and I went to check them. I accidently opened up the Circle 360 app that RM and I share a circle on. I noticed it said she was not at home... Curious, I looked on the map as to where she was. She had been sitting at this location for 22 minutes, in a neighborhood area that has many shops and restaurants. Thinking she had recently finished her workday, PT must have wanted to go out to eat. From the map in this app I could not tell what restaurant they were at, but texted her anyways: 'Oooo, what restaurant are you eating at?'. No reply came. I shrugged my shoulders and figured she may not have heard my text, or was busy and would get to it later, which she did about an hour later. Turns out it was Denny's, so I had pretty much guessed correctly.

Nothing really planned today. Meeting at the usual time. Yesterday I went to Mayo's Transplant support group. They had a couple in-hospital pharmacists there to answer medication questions (of their capability). It was interesting, and I learned the names and some side effects of the anti-rejection pills I could be taking for the rest of my life. They briefly explained how at each medication change, they review our labs, what we take currently, how the new dose/medicine could react with those. Overall it was interesting. I took some notes, but I am not sure they will do me much good - I'll get what they give me.

And with that, I think I will close this off today. Remember, having a shitty day does not make you a shitty person.

PeacE

'is A Slippery Slope ...'

 Back when I was in the IOP, I was told that by another patient. We were in "group" and I forget what the actual topic was, but I had mentioned that I still occasionally went to the bar to visit friends. This other patient was about my age, had some experience in psycho-therapy (as a therapist/counselor). He believed that all I was doing was tempting fate, that I would fall back into the drinking habit just because I was around alcohol. I politely sat through his verbal opinion about me, then promptly ignored it. Alcohol does not define me. I wouldn't go if I could not handle myself and I refuse to let it define me.

Defining oneself ... there's a topic! In fact, it was the chapter I read today. I'll be thinking on this one for awhile. What does define me? Am I in the process of changing that with all the other changes I am making? If it does, or even if it doesn't, what does define me? A lot of time for self-reflection on this one I think, plus conversation with God.

I feel better! Did the Para yesterday afternoon. Drained 4.7L, and from the u/s looks like they got pretty much all the fluid that was there. I "felt" like I was more drained. Of course I am now going through the couple days of letting the organs re-adjust to where they should be and unflatten themselves. It hurts a bit at times, and I tend to walk hunched over in the middle, but it is only for a couple days. I need to check with Mayo about the Dr. orders on file at Banner. Seems they only go through until later this month. I know with the TIPS, the lessening of fluid won't be instantaneous, but I believe I need the orders to even set an appointment. I got the lab results from the screening I had just over a week ago. I don't know how to read these things because of the names for stuff. I mean there are like 3-4 different cholesterol ones...etc. I didn't see any that specified nicotine. I did see a test result that I was NEG for alcohol (duh).

Today I have an extra Zoom meeting. It is one Mayo provides for transplantees, regardless of the organ. Most of us in there are for a combination of Liver, or liver and kidneys. Today they will have a guest speaker to field questions pertaining to medications related to all this, as they are a pharmacist there at the hospital. I might learn some useful stuff.

VFW National Convention was last weekend in Reno. I have not heard yet if it passed to make the Riders a 'sister' to the VFW (like the Auxiliary is) or not. Neither official word, or rumor. My Post Commander did a FB post that showed a back patch that read VFW RIDERS GROUP, and I know one of the factors involved was being able to create one Unity patch, instead of separate ones for POST/AUX. If I haven't heard anything by this weekend, I'll have to get the minutes out either way.

Don't give up. If the hair around your butthole can thrive in a challenging environment, so can you.

PeacE

I'm So Excited!

 If you cannot feel the sarcasm from that title, you don't know me. Today is "Hump Day", pr Wednesday as many know it. Which means I have a paracentesis scheduled. Today's is at 1pm. I pretty much already know what is going to happen: 10L of fluid will be drained, I'll get three bags of albumin IV'ed into me, and out the door I go until next week. Two weeks from tomorrow is the TIPS Procedure that will hopefully lessen these appointments, if not remove them completely.

Yesterday, the Older Sister sent some cryptic texts to family members. Her Son (my Nephew) is currently serving in the USAF, and is stationed over in New Mexico (I forget where). Allegedly he informed his Mom that something big is happening tonight [Tuesday] so everyone should top off their fuel tanks. I blew it off, as I don't feel he has enough rank/clearance to know something of this supposed level. This morning, I woke about 5:30am and remembered her text to me. I got up, and I have yet to see anything major on the networks. Iran did some surprise attacks last night on US Forces in the Middle East. US And Saudi Arabia attacked back. Russia supposedly hit a refinery or something in the Ukraine. Those are about the only ones I see that MAY Affect a need to top the tank. Maybe I am not looking at the future issues that may come from these events, but still...

The Family Drama going on with my family has settled somewhat. It is still there, and some things still need to be dealt with on a more immediate basis, but it is on hold for now. Still don't want to get into the details. As Patriarch of the family, I want to go in and bash heads together and force ultimatums, even though I know that is the worse way to do things. I have been trying to be the calm one, supporting and providing where needed. Sigh. It is so tiring for me, and being in this medical condition it just is not helping anything. But kudos to the Youngest, as he has stepped up and been helping quite a bit.

Had my quiet time this morning. This book I am reading ... it is weird for me. I can't remember the last time I read a book like this. I call it a self-help book, but it isn't really that. Nor is it a devotional of what I think one should be. IT got interesting, it lost my interest, it dragged me back, and losing interest again. It is like the author begins talking about something that I actually feel is important, then  - SQUIRREL - and the rest of the chapter is over. I'm only about a third of the way into the book. I will stick it out, but I inwardly grimace when I pick it up each day to read some. Not your fault RM, we all interpret things differently and I have a purpose while reading it, just as your did, though they are different.

Positive Affirmations and Daily Reflections. Back when I was going through my IOP, each day we would journal for five minutes, listing 3 things we're thankful for, 3 things we will accomplish that day, and a positive affirmation. These were not shared with group, unless one wanted to do so. I usually sat there and twiddled my thumbs, because by this time of the morning, I had already blogged (my journal so to speak) and as I waited to Join the Zoom meeting, I would do the 3/3/PA they wanted. Looking up affirmations on the Google is crap. It seemed that site after site pretty much just copied each other, and none of them moved me. Pinterest wasn't much help either, but I did find more interesting ones. I think I shall start texting RM one a day from my journal. There aren't many, some are crass (like me), and some are funny.

Welp, I think I have shared (over-shared) enough today. Four hours until meeting, so I need to go find something to do.

PeacE

The Battle Continues ...

 Yesterday I wrote about a small bit of Family Drama that is going on right now in my family. Let's just say, that after I posted things went even 'further South' and The Middle Son ended up at our house for the day and night. Later this morning, he'll ask the Youngest to drive him back so he is able to get his Jeep so that he will be able to make it to work tonight. Without getting into details, we are treating today more like a normal day, though he does not want to speak with his partner (at least right now) as he is still angry at them. Heck, I know I am, too! I found out why his partner texts everyone but myself and the Daughter - she doesn't like me. You know I don't have any worries about that, as I am definitely not a fan of this person, but it explains several incidences to me.

That being said, I am pushing it to a back burner and letting it sit and simmer. I spent a good part of the afternoon yesterday avoiding temptations. First I really wanted a drink. I had already attended my Home group meeting, and I was seriously debating just getting online into any meeting to take my mind off the wanting a drink. I did not attend another meeting, but I was able (with God's help) to push the thoughts away. Of course, while I am fighting this one, the cigarette desire kicked in as well, so I was getting double-whammied. It all got kicked away, and this morning, I am able to sit here and think of both without craving it.

Tomorrow is my only appointment I have this week, and it is a paracentesis at 1pm. That'll be about 2 hours long. They'll drain 10 liters, leave fluid in there, get me three bags of albumin, and send me on my way. I have a para scheduled for next Wednesday as well. Then it is the week of the TIPS procedure. So two weeks out... I want all the best results that this is supposed to provide, but I will take ANY good it could help with. Fewer paras. more time between them, less fluid build-up. I was notified through the portal that I had new test results in, so I went and looked. It only listed a NEGATIVE for the alcohol test. I thought this drug test was to include the nicotine and THC as well? I don't know, but there was only this one result on the report. I think I should message the Team and see when are they going to test for that, as it is the factor of getting on the list. It's been almost 3 weeks since I stopped smoking.

Sounds like RM is going to have a good day today. She is actually going into the office (across town) as one of the execs is retiring. She is bringing some food, plus plates, cups, etc. She'll help with set up and clean up. And she will socialize!! Free to talk to co-workers without PT hanging on her every conversation. I'm happy for her. I try each day to send her a 'Have a great day!' text, to help bolster her for the day, and I know it helps me when she wishes the same back. One of these days I need to search through her tags on her blog for issues that she may have more insight on that I am dealing with as well.

Quiet time is done this morning. The testing have been done (118/71, 71 bpm, 118 glucose) and the pills swallowed with the one liquid prescription I have to take. I guess I am somewhat free until closer to 11am which is my meeting time.

Have a great day!

PeacE