Count Down!

 I am literally counting down the hours to my paracentesis today. It is at 1pm. So, it is only practical I wake at 4:30am, to be sure I am awake in plenty of time. No, but that's what happened. Which is fine with me. I feel rested, and I get to extend my quiet time a little longer. I did get in two books yesterday that I had ordered. "Drop the Rock, which concentrates on the fundamentals and reasons for Steps 6 & 7 in AA. The other is "Drop the Rock ... A Ripple Effect" which is sort of a second book that tells how to use Step 10 to use Steps 6 & 7 everyday. I am not that far along yet, but I can read ahead and prepare for it.

I should have a third book coming soon "The Overthinkers Guide to Making Decisions: How to Make Decisions Without Losing Your Mind". Sounds like a spoof, eh? Well, it is a real book and I ordered it. 

Ugh! The pressure in my abdomen is terrible. The swelling in my legs is terrible. And as I ordered, or made sure was on auto-refill, my prescriptions with Walgreens, the two they are having issues renewing are the two diuretics. I see they are still listed in the Dr. at AZ Liver, and he is probably not happy with me. They had called about a month-two months ago, trying to schedule me to come in for some lab work (they do it in-office). I said no. I get enough done at Mayo, and they can contact them for that info versus me doing it again, and paying it (my insurance anyways) again and overall wasting my time driving there, etc. Besides, he was the one that referred me to Mayo! HE even said he was stepping back and letting Mayo have full control over my treatment and care. Now they pull this crap. Anyways, they won't renew it (probably without an appointment - not happening. I'll just add that on to my message to Mayo today, that since these two prescriptions are what the Radiologist changed (and I think need changed back) and I need some anyways, Mayo can take it over.

Seven hours. I decided not to do my regular AA group this morning. It ends at Noon, and I want to be already on my way to the hospital. I am almost always early to things, and this is no exception. It'd be nice if they are running a little ahead of schedule as well. I did try a new group the past week at 8am, strictly a book study/discussion, and turns out I knew about 3/4 of the people there from other groups! It was like walking in on the same meeting! But their book study is pretty good, and there isn't a "tag" session to have people discuss whatever the topic is. I don't mind sharing, if I have something. Seems lately quite a bit of discussions are geared more around the later Steps, and I don't know anything about them aside of what they are. So I usually pass with the "I'm still new in the program enough I have not made it that far".

Welp, I would love to waste more time here this morning, but have pretty much ran out of things for now.

PeacE

Popping Balloons

 That's kinda along the lines of how I feel this morning. Tomorrow ... para tomorrow and get drained. Ugh! Then I will message Mayo and let them know how much was drained, then explain about the swelling in my legs/feet. Going to try to get a decent picture as well to send. They are worse than when I started with Mayo. I feel it is because the adjustment in meds, but I could be wrong.

Today's meditation/reflection was on criticism and judgement, how we should refrain from both. I believe these are two of my more major faults I have going on. I am always quick to judge, stereotype, decide where you would fit in my "pecking order". I also like to comment on how badly someone has done something, or how they could have done it better. One of the things I shared with RM, and she smiled and was shaking her head in agreement, was about learning as a parent to let go of your children and let them make their own decisions when they are an adult. I have been working on it with the Youngest the most, not playing '20 questions' if he takes off and goes somewhere. The other two boys, well, sometimes I just want to give them my say so about some issue they are going through, but I shut my mouth and tell them if they want my opinion or experience to ask for it. After instructing the directing them for 18 years, it's a hard habit to break.

God and I spent some time going over those two defects, plus some others, that I asked to be removed from me. So I got some work cut out for me.

I really don't have much today. I'll do my AA Home Group at 11am, followed by their monthly business meeting, which doesn't last long. Then I guess it is computer surfing and video games.

PeacE

Givin' A Holla Out to ....

 Meditation for the Day

One secret of abundant living is the art of giving. The paradox of life is that the more you give, the more you have. If you lose your life in the service of others, you will save it. You can give abundantly and so live abundantly. You are rich in one respect — you have a spirit that is inexhaustible. Let no mean or selfish thought keep you from sharing this spirit. Of love, of help, of understanding and of sympathy, give and keep giving. Give your personal ease and comfort, your time, your money and most of all, yourself. And you will be living abundantly.

This was in my "Twenty Four Hours a Day" book for today. As soon as I read it, I realized, this is RM. Now Mom has been this way for several years, though I honestly can't say how long ago I noticed it. But she is the Giver. She even admits to her love of giving things. She bakes, especially around holidays, and gives it away. She takes time (and a some food) to a couple ladies she knows from her neighborhood. She has made room in her schedule to help me at times (though I try not to ask too often). Even I am presented with gifts she 'inadvertently picked up', or because she just saw it and thought of me. I know she does that for others as well. It really makes me proud of her, and makes me want to give as well.

You're the best, Mom!

I think I have talked about giving before in an older post. The nudges I have had and acted on, the feeling of elation inside because you helped someone in someway. I believe this is truly God giving those nudges. To teach us to share? To help the other person in some way? No idea, only He knows His Plan. But I have found out, it is getting easier to give as I grow in my spirituality. I think the "want" to do it is just inherently part of the package. Even AA supports the giving, as Step 12 is to help other alcoholics find the program and help them on their path of recovery (actually spoken about before the meditation on today's reading). Have I helped any alcoholics? I don't know. Maybe something I said clicked with them and they went off to do it. I am too young in the program to be any type of Sponsor for anyone, so my giving is in experiences and sometimes, that is all someone needs without it being crammed down their throats.

Yesterday I did go down to the Post. I saw a couple guys I hadn't seen in awhile. I did get the minutes and agendas done that needed to be done, emailed them out. I'm caught up on that until after Tuesday's meeting. I was back home after about three hours. Then I played video games most of the evening. The Wife did a store run, and ended up making (maybe just re-heating) Salisbury steaks and mashed potatoes. It hit just the spot last night!

No major plans today. Tuesday is my paracentesis, and I am ready to drain. I haven't been since the 19th due to scheduling conflicts. I know after the TIPS procedure that there could be some side effects. One is random drain amounts for a few weeks, as the body adjusts to the "bypass". Some slight swelling in the feet and legs from fluid build-up (not ascites). My legs are well loaded now. So much that it feels like the skin is just going to split open. Yesterday, I could barely get my slip-on shoes onto my feet. The 'pitting' and edema goes to nearly halfway up my thigh. The Wife says I need to let the Dr. know, and I will, on Tuesday, that way I can let them know how much was drained as well. I think the Radiology doctor changed my diuretics too much after the TIPS. She cut one from 400mg to 100mg, and the other from 80mg to 40mg. I think if we put the one back up to 80, and do about 200 on the other, it would help ... but what do I know? I'll mention this as well when I message the doctor. The edema is worse than when all this started a year ago.

And with that I will close out and get on with my day.

PeacE

Relocation is Important Today

 I have 'blown off' the duties of my VFW positions for the past week or two. Why? No reason, just that I am being distracted at home. Trying to work from my desk, the temptation to just 'do another meeting' or play video games. Or even the worst - facebook scroll of death. I'm just too distracted. So this morning I mentioned to the Wife that I was going to do my two regular Saturday meetings, then head up to the VFW so I should be able to focus better and get the work done. The last few months I have only been up there for meetings, so maybe it isn't bad that I spend time there.

Well, I got an answer to my nice inquiry about my medical case and care plan. They scheduled in a CT-Abdomen  on the morning of 9/8, as well as the already scheduled bloodwork, nurse and doctor consults. They need to get the updated figures from the bloodwork and the CT to bring my case to the review panel. So, I am on hold until 9/8 for sure right now.

Had a great lunch with RM yesterday. We both had salads, and spent a couple hours talking about different things. I regretted somewhat that we had to end when we did, but she was on the clock. As always though, too little time spent together. I'm looking forward to the next one, though have not even set a date as of yet.

Welp, I am in a meeting, so I am out of here....

PeacE

Is Your Day Going To Be Better Than Mine?

 Welcome to another Friday edition of my ramblings. I truly think that is all I am giving you today, because not much else has happened the last couple days.

This morning I have my yearly diabetic eye exam. That has gone fine the past 2-3 years, and I see no changes to that happening this year. Afterwards, I am headed further West to the City of the Sun to spend part of the day with RM. I know she was see-sawing about just taking today off work, and I don't know what she decided, but I will be out there mid-morning to visit while she works. Then it is off to Red Robin for lunch. I have been waiting all week for salad! Then we have another stop that needs to take care of something before returning back to her place. From there I will probably head towards home.

I might stop and get my haircut on the way home. I haven't decided. 

After I finish writing here, I will be writing a message to Mayo Clinic. I have not heard anything for a few days, and want to find out what is going on. I waited this long, so when I write the message, it isn't aggressive and demanding. I just want to know the status of things, because as far as I know, I met all deferments, thus should be up for case review, and make the list. Sigh.

I just finished up a small water. Now I am craving cold water to drink with no stopping. I hate when I feel that way, because nothing makes it go away, and I have to force myself NOT to drink so much water. Especially right now as I am pretty full-up on ascites that won't be drained until 9/1.

The Wife stopped last night on her way home and picked up Church's Chicken. I normally am okay with them, but am not a chicken dinner kinda guy anymore. I don't mind chicken sandwiches, but the whole leg, thigh, breast thing I could just do without. It's messy. Well, last night, getting a family order, they were 4 pieces short of the regular, and it would be 20 minutes until it was ready, so instead she got 4 pieces of their 'hot and spicy'. I had 2 pieces and Youngest Son took two. I was not impressed. Wasn't spicy. Was really greasy - more than chicken usually is. And even now still sort of sits on my stomach not sure if it should be processed or thrown up. I've been trying to stay away from greasy stuff since my bile duct, gall bladder and all that is somewhat compromised as they work with my liver. Don't need to cause extra problems.

Welp, I should get dressed, get that message off to Mayo, and then get stuff together for my eye exam and going to RM's. I make it sound like a long trip ... but when you are older, there are certain things you need to take with you everywhere you go...

PeacE

Car Dreams

 I think many of today's men (in my age range and more) and their childhoods, with memories of playing with Matchbox, or Hot Wheels, cars. We all had our favorites, too! I could not begin to guess the percentages of men that went on to become car fanatics: restoring, showing, driving - you name it. I ring this up because I had a car dream last night.

I had just woke up from a late night of carousing, so it was around mid-day. I was getting dressed and throwing clothes into the trash (they were worn, ripped holey jeans) until I found something appropriate to wear (shorts and tee). I grabbed my keys and hollared to the house (and the Wife I presume) 'Taking off! Taking my dream today!'. I walk out into the 5-bay garage (oh my goodness, am I rich?) and stride over to a gold colored Saturn. Yes, like the one I drove years ago. She shined in my eyes, and I felt my heart racing  knowing how her motor would feel as I cruised.

Now why a Saturn, no idea. But important in the dream is that it had a door lock system consisting of three electronic buttons. Well, different combinations would have the car do different things, like auto-start. Well, as I reach through the open window, and hit the switches, the car starts, then dies. I do this several times. I check the gas gauge - empty. No gas cans around the garage. I get in, and pressing the start thing on the electronic panel, I finally get it running and coaxing to stay running. I'm  off to the gas station. I get there, pay, hook up the pump, go inside. As I come out someone next to my car says he don't like the look of it and points. The driver front tire is held on by only one lug and is tilted to undrivable, but I get in, start it up and lean to the left. The car shifts up on that wheel so it is straight up, and I drive off.

That was it. Is there some deep-seated mental story behind it? I don't recall thinking about the Saturn yesterday at all. Some more of the dream is coming to mind now, but not enough to put it into words. Maybe it is just some random mind release whilst sleeping. Just weird.

AS of right now this morning I have not heard from Mayo Clinic. I do not know if they just did not have the time to put my case together to present yesterday, or they found more that 'needs to be done'. They have always called me in the past. Maybe I will just have to wait another week. Sigh. God is teaching patience with this.

I only have a couple zoom meetings on my agenda today. Tomorrow is the eye appt. then lunch with RM.

PeacE

When You Feel It Working

 This morning I am feeling pretty good. I believe my body got a caught up quite a bit and I don't feel as tired. I also feel God working in me today. I did my quiet time, and as I prayed, I just 'felt it' on the mental inside. It gives me more hope that I am not a lost cause, and I still have a purpose in God's Plan. Now to apply in life and keep the positive changes in practice.

Today is Wednesday, which means that Mayo Clinic does a review of cases that are up for the Waiting List. Mine has been there twice, both with the vote that there were some deferments (things to complete) to do prior to being on the list. This last round was only a Negative test result on the tox screen for Nicotine, which the outside lab gave results on Monday. I sent a message through the patient portal, to let Mayo be aware the results were in, and it cleared my last deferment. Tuesday morning I got a generic reply that they will review the results on they are final, and they turned off the availability to respond at all to the message thread. That in itself made me very angry. Either way, all I have heard from Mayo is a couple emails yesterday that test results were in, and I would look. It had to do with the colonoscopy bloodwork, or the report for the procedure. Nothing on the tox screen. So as of this moment, I have not heard anything about it going to review today (this week). Perhaps I will get a call this evening informing me otherwise. They usually do call when a decision has been made after a case review.

This last week I have had some of the side effects of the TIPS start to show up. My feet and lower legs have swollen a bit due to fluid retention. "Liver Spotting" on my arms is happening more. That's the red markings like when you bump your arm too hard, or I get them from needle sites from the IVs. Sometimes I get them from just scratching an itch. Also am getting some bruising that I know not from where it comes. Right now it is fading fast, but who knows if it will come back. I haven't noticed any increase/decrease in the encephalopathy factors - I probably wouldn't remember anyways.

My schedule is clear of appointments until Friday morning when I go do my yearly diabetic eye exam. The past 2-3 years have been fine, and I expect no change this year. Then with my eyes dilated I am heading on out to RM's to visit, have lunch, stop at the bank, before heading back home for the day.

All my candies are in! I have hard candies, jelly beans, and spiced gum drops! The "twenty four hours a day" book arrived yesterday as well. I need to learn to read descriptions better. This little hardback is literally smaller than my phone, but each page does contain a prayer, an AA Though of the day, and a meditational thought. I will add it to my quiet time reads and see how things go. I finished "Restore", and although it wasn't overall really what I was looking for, it did have some good information. I am just not sure what to do with the book now. I have very limited space to keep it. Maybe I will hang on to it a bit and see if I come across anyone that could possibly benefit from it and just give it to them. I am flipping back to the other book I had started, "Demolishing Doubt" and see where it goes.

I think that is all I have today.

PeacE