We Are On A Negative Approach ...

 ... that is sort of my feeling this morning. The past few weeks, overall, I have felt fine. A few bad days here and there, but no major bad issues. That changed a little last night. Yesterday I had noticed I was just completely exhausted all day. I even took a 3-hour nap late in the afternoon. When I woke from that nap, I was feeling kind of 'blah' all over and as the evening went on, it got worse. By about 9pm, I was groaning. I felt nauseated, could only dry heave. I felt like I was burning up, but the thermometer only showed me at 99.5, so not as bad as I felt. I started aching all over. I decided the best thing was to just go to bed, and see how it progresses. So, I did. I was wakened several times in a short span there around midnight. Each time I still felt terrible. 

I began to entertain thoughts of going to the ER, but realized that they would not be able to do much for me. Maybe some meds for the nausea and a paracentesis for pressure. Probably Tylenol for the low-grade fever.  Then be sent home 8 hours later with more medical bills, alleviated symptoms, but still not fixed. The Wife's alarm went off at 6:15am this morning. It does everyday. I don't know if she just can't figure out how to shut the weekend days off or what ... I did the trip to the bathroom, trying to analyze my body and how I felt this morning. Not feverish. Check - good. Nausea: down from what it was, and pretty much about the standard level of it I have each day - good. Tiredness? Oh yeah, still tired. Morning nap in my future maybe, though I have group meetings this morning. I am sure it is no big deal if I miss them, but I would rather not. So overall I am back to normal now.

I did my quiet time this morning. Read the chapter on "Drowning". This author seems to reference the AA program quite a bit, which is fine with me, as it gives me another reference point. I admit, my interest is up more today than it has been the last couple days about reading this book. For my Bible reading, I skimmed over the last few chapters of the OT, but nothing really stood out to me today.

My calendar is free pretty much all this week. I know I need to do the minutes from last weeks meeting, but I just haven't felt up to doing it yet. I don't see it happening today either.

PeacE

Was It A Good Time?

Yesterday I did go to the impromptu gathering of a few from my AA group. Though I had not been to this Valle Luna restaurant before, it is part of the chain, and similar to the one I would normally go to a bit closer to my home. There was about 15 of us in total (a couple brought spouses) and we had a great time. This was nice to get to know a few others, the ones I was able to talk with, on a more personal level. Also a chance to see the difference between in-person and on zoom camera. I was surprised by a couple... I was a bit surprised at this restaurant a bit. I guess when one gal had called about a reservation (if needed) they did not bother to inform her they could do separate tabs for each of us. So as we sat down, we were informed the tabs would be by table, or the whole group all together. Immediately I hear some side conversations about 'not have any cash on me' and similar, so how is everyone at a table to pay with their card? I understand a bit how the business side of it goes: large party, easier to do it this way than individual tabs.

...so I picked up the tab. For everyone in our group. The total actually came to less than what I had mentally calculated, so no problem there. I did it discretely (I thought) by letting the server know to just ring the group as a whole and bring me the tab. Well, when she came to me with the tab, everyone else was getting antsy for their 'per table' tabs, and see I just covered everyone. When asked why, I simply said, because it made it easier for everyone. There were a few that said 'I'll get you back' and a few that refused to let me pay, so gave me money towards the tip, which was fine. I finally just told everyone if they wanted to pay me back, pay it into our AA Group, as we survive on members donations only. Several said they would do that.

Why did I pick up the tab? I don't know. Financially it was not a burden at all, and it did make things easier for the server, and for us in the end. Did I have some menacing plan behind it? No. I wasn't looking for accolades and praise. I felt the urge touch my heart to do it, and it was out of my mouth before I realized what I was doing. God working through me? Maybe. I would like to think so. I wouldn't do this to be prideful (Proverbs 16:18), or to try to impress anyone. Nor try to upgrade my 'social status' with these peers. Only because I felt moved to do it. And here I am ruining it feeling the self-doubt, and possible judgement others may have towards me (positive or negative). Things to work on with God ...

I woke early today - about 5:20a. That call the bladder makes is not one I let go to voice mail, and I just couldn't get cozy back in bed. I thought, awesome! More quiet time this morning, and I utilized it. I read a chapter in the book I am reading. Today's was Day 6, and again, I felt I am not going anywhere with this book. But I do feel it is starting to get to the point, but it may be a couple more days yet. I did my random Bible-page flip and came up in Ecclesiates 7. I read through the whole chapter, as the Franklin Jensen bible has sections sub-labeled, and this one was 'Practical wisdom'. I am sure I am taking it out of context, but this verse stood out to me: 

Ecclesiastes 7:15 - I have seen everything in my days of vanity: There is a just man who perishes in his righteousness, and there is a wicked man who prolongs life in his wickedness.

The phrase "Only the good die young" keeps going through my head. As I think about that, I feel it to a degree. I shared before recently that my younger Sister was expecting a girl, and that I was to be an uncle (again). I was excited! My hang-out time with RM last Friday, I believe I even mentioned it to her. Then that evening we received bad news. She had miscarried. Saturday she was going to Indianapolis for a D&C. They took the option to hold her for a few after she was removed. A couple pictures were taken (of the babe, not anyone holding her). Obviously not being complete in growth development, the picture looks a bit ghastly, but a parent's love ... I feel so much anguish for her to have to go through this. My Daughter had miscarried a couple times before my Widget was born, but they were early enough this process did not have to happen. But my heart is in pieces at what my Sister is going through.

I think of friends that I held dear that have passed away. In fact, yesterday was my buddy Don's birthday, and he left us around 10+ years ago. And Smitty just before him. True, both were about 15 years older than I, but they were my friends.

Sigh. I am getting down in the dumps... So I will leave you with some Billy Joel. 

PeacE

Party Time!

 It's Thursday and I don't have anything on my calendar (medically) that needs to be done. But I have that 1pm  luncheon listed! It will be a different kind of experience for me, meeting a group of people I have only seen/heard through the computer. Our support fellowship will carry through I am sure, and it will be just the same as us chatting online before/after meetings. I believe I am excited more than anxious, and for me that is good.

My friend Jeff called me the other day. About a week ago was his birthday, and I had sent him a text, that he responded "thanks" to. I didn't hear back for any plans, some I was guessing he was spending the evening with family. Well he called this week, and we talked. HE wanted an update to where I am at, which I gave. He said he just went to the bar on his birthday. I said you should have called me. I can go and have soda for a couple hours... But that was then. Either way, we are going to try to meet up for lunch next week.

I did a drug test yesterday. Vial of blood and a urine sample. I am praying it shows my nicotine at 0, so my case will be reviewed next Wednesday. Worse case is I have to wait until next month for the next drug screen, and repeat. Different sources say different things about the time-frame for nicotine to not be detected on a drug screening, and also the amount you smoked can affect the results. I was a light smoker, so hopefully it will clear out of my system faster. Will wait and see.

Had a paracentesis yesterday. Drained another 10L, but had to leave fluid. I estimate by weight it is probably about 2-3 liters. I feel better today. Yesterday I was so uncomfortable from the ascites build-up, I felt fatigued (I fell asleep during the para once they had the catheter in), nausea and of course hungry, because I had to fast for the lab work just before the para. Afterwards I swung by Walgreens for the Wife's prescriptions, then CVS for my special order one, then to Subway, where I had ordered through the app, then home. That sub was so good after not eating all day.

In my quiet time this morning I reached chapter 5 in this book. I was starting to lose interest in this book because it felt like it was going stagnant. But I guess that was just the "intro section (5 chapters of it?) as now it looks like it is moving along to 'Step One'.

And with that, I am outta here!

PeacE

Feeling Pretty Miserable

 The past couple of days I have begun to feel uncomfortable. The build-up of the ascites feels like more than usual this week. I do go this afternoon for a Paracentesis, where I am quite positive they will drain 10L and leave fluid in the abdomen area. It's becoming the story of my Life, at least it feels that way at times. We could create a calendar system based off my paras.

I also have a blood draw/urine test today. Mayo gave me the orders yesterday for the drug screening, and I have only 48 hours to schedule and complete, otherwise they count it as a "positive" result. I don't want that!! So mine is scheduled at 11:30a right next to the Banner I go to for the paras, and I set the time to allow me to get from one building to the next (parking) and make my 1pm para. I am so bloated.... the Wife has started pregnancy jokes.

Tomorrow will be an interesting day. My AA Home group is doing an impromptu luncheon at Valle Luna. They usually do a luncheon once every quarter, but this one isn't the sanctioned one. What is nice, is that they invited me. They even said it was by invite only... Does that mean I am part of the 'Cool Club' now? I don't know, and if that turns out to be what it seems to be, I'll remove myself. I don't want to put myself separate from others - we are all in the same boot about sobriety. Not one of us is better/higher than another. I used to really dislike having to go to events where you "know" no one, and you have to go around and introduce yourself, etc. I found out over the past few months, it isn't so bad. And these people already know me through the Zoom meetings, it will just be an in-person meeting. The best part is it is more on my side of town, and fairly close to home.

I slept in an extra hour this morning, and I feel better for it. Yesterday I was feeling so bad, I actually took a 3-hour nap in the afternoon. Hoping with this extra sleep, the draining today, that things will get back to where they were where I was not so tired. It is still three weeks to the TIPS procedure for me. Sigh.

I have been reading of a morning in my quiet time the book 'Restore'. Today I read chapter three, and it was sort of about control. Trying to control people through your image, or works. How we "fire" God because we have control of things. I had to re-read a couple sections of it. In my mind, it kept flashing a neon sign sign saying "Not Needed" as I felt the chapter didn't really do anything but give examples, then say one needs to let God have control, not you. It was like 4-5 pages of repetition and nonsense to me. I hope the remaining parts of the book are not this way, because it started off pretty good. And this is strictly my opinion.

Welp, I need to figure out what 'flashy' shirt I am wearing today. Already got a pair of the shorts RM bought me. They are elastic waisted so work great for when I go to have paras. Got a hair cut a couple days ago. I'm starting to look pretty good, if I could get rid of this huge belly and keep it away.

And with that, I am out of here ....

PeacE

Proverbs 16:18-19

 I'm 'off-schedule' a bit this morning. When the alarm went off at 7am, I was still feeling sleepy tired, so laid there in bed. I dozed off (as expected) but woke after about 20 minutes. Then I decided it was time to get up. I feel more awake than I did without that cat nap, and hoping it carries through the day, not getting so tired like I have been lately.

Today's post title is somewhat intentional, yet, unintentional at the same time. How can it be both? Well, while doing my quiet time this morning I read chapter 3 of 'Restore' and as one of the things that I do, is grab my Bible, whisper a prayer to guide me with the Word, then open it randomly. That's no way to study the Bible! Well, I'm not studying it (at this time) I am just looking for some small bit that points me in the direction I need to go that day. It could be a fault I need to work on, it could be better worship habits, etc. Today's excursion took me to this verse selection from Proverbs (I read all of chapter 16 and these stood out). There is even a story attached to it.

If you don't know, several months ago I had some issues with the Director of my VFW Riders Chapter. Basically it was my (and other members) dissatisfaction from this Director's way of wanting to do things, and several of them were definitely out of procedural order, or the process the VFW uses to process, etc. I felt a little bad about it, but I had gone to our Post Commander and explained my concerns. After a couple months, the Director stepped down (to our relief) due to "personal reasons". He is currently still a member of our Chapter, and offers up some good advice and ideas, which I do listen to. It was all about how he wanted to do things that I disagreed with.

Last night was our scheduled Riders meeting. Things went fine. After the meeting, he approaches me, and we start talking about some of the flyers he sends me to forward to everyone. Mostly different rides around the Valley. I only send out certain ones (usually because of the charity). Then he mentions that he contacted J.M. (President of AZ Riders) and invited him to come to our next meeting at the Post. I turned and faced him. To make sure there was no mistake, I made eye contact. "M. though I like the idea, and your initiative to 'get it done', you are NOT the Director, and therefore should not be making official requests without approval from Leadership, mainly my self and the current Director. This is in regards to ANY communications, of an official capacity. IF you are friends just chatting about the status of the Riders, or ideas that would be nice - fine. But this is not that, and I request that you reach out to us with the idea, and we may have you be the contact."

His mouth dropped open. "Kapish?" I asked. He stood there flapping his gob with no sound, then grudgingly said he understood, and that I was right. At that exact moment, I felt some disappointment, more that I should have to chastise a person that should know this stuff, yet continues to bypass as he sees fit. On my way home a short bit later, I realized more of what had happened, and I got a bit giddy. I put him in his place! I actually 'shut him up'! It's about time he got his hand slapped for going overboard! All these type of thoughts were rolling across my mind.

Getting ready for bed last night, I shared with the Wife what had happened. I even admitted that I know it was wrong to feel the Pride I did in this encounter. I wanted to brag! I wanted people that know what has been going on, know about it. It'll be, 'Remember back when Ralph set that guy straight?!' I told the Wife I felt prideful, and I know it is wrong to be that way, but it is still there. She had no advice for me. SO this morning I have placed this issue before God. I'll not speak of it again, except to share with the current Director, so he is informed of the possible visit, as well as what happened.

    "Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before the fall. Better to be of a humble spirit with the lonely than to divide the spoil with the Proud."

Okay, I am out of here. I do have a draining tomorrow, as well as a drug test (found out this morning). I wonder if 2 weeks is long enough to show 0 for  nicotine....

PeacE

A Nice Weekend ...

 ... was had by myself. I don't include anyone else in it, as it is my feelings and I am not forcing everyone else to believe they had a nice weekend just because they were doing similar things as I. I spent a couple hours Saturday morning with my meetings. I have been invited to a non-regular luncheon for Thursday with my AA Home Group. It is supposed to be about 10 people or so, but I think that list has grown some more. I'm not worried. I have been meeting with many of these people for a few months now. Plus, it is at Valle Luna over on Cave Creek. Who doesn't like some good Mexican food? I did realize last night though, that I would miss the Mayo Transplant support group due to the timing of the luncheon. Oh well. Sometimes being with people 'in person' is better.

I blew off the Agenda yesterday, so that means I need to get it done this morning. I will work on it as soon as I am done here. I don't think there will be much to add/change, so shouldn't take long.

Hmmm. I can't seem to come up with anything I need to write about, so I'll just leave this here.

PeacE

Staying Focused

 Things are 'off' this morning. Actually, it has been most of this last week. I have been becoming sleepy at odd times, even when I feel I slept good the night before. Most days it starts about 5pm, but some days it has been random through the day. I try not to take a nap so that I will sleep good that evening, but my body disagrees. I will nod off - in my office chair, on the bed, whatever. I went to the Post last night, thinking of hanging with friends. I was feeling this sleepy feeling. While sitting at the bar, playing a game on my tablet, I nodded off - twice. I decided it was time to go home. My friends hadn't shown up anyways. I did go to bed about an hour earlier than normal, and feel well rested this morning, just mentally foggy. 

It could be the HE (Hepatic Encephalopathy) might be increasing a bit since the ascites has - which could mean the meds I take for that may need to be adjusted. My guess is they will just wait until after the TIPS Procedure, because that is supposed to affect this and more. Good or bad, won't know until it happens, but usually most are good (from what I was told, and heard from others). That's still about three weeks out ... Glad my next Para isn't. I am bloated up big again this week already, and with them only being allowed to drain 10L, I know there will be fluid left again. Oh Lord I pray that the TIPS will work and drastically cut down on the ascites build-up.

Heard some bad news from my little Sissy the other night. She is 12 years younger than I, and everyone (including her I think) were surprised when she ended up pregnant a few months ago. She is 42ish, and our first concerning thought was the age factor and delivering/having a baby. Technology has advanced enough, that 42 shouldn't be bad, as long as everyone stays healthy. Well, Friday they found out she had miscarried. Yesterday, they went to Indianapolis to have the D&C done, because the baby was that far along. I cannot imagine how she feels, but I know I am grieving. I was happily telling RM on Friday during our visit that I was proud to be an Uncle again... I don't know the whole name they had picked out, but we knew it was going to be a girl, and her first name was going to be River.

Today is ... Day 11? of no smoking. I'm starting to lose track of the day count as we go along. Still getting urges, especially around areas where I used to smoke. Last night, I vaguely remembering having a dream/vision of smoking (more than I did in real life) and it was okay to do so even with my liver issues. I was like a comic character with the cigar stub in the corner of the mouth, and like 6 cigarettes in different phases of being smoked in the rest of the mouth, giving some kind of evil grin. No idea what brought that on, but I remember it.

I'm a bit worried about RM this morning. I guess Friday her vehicle wouldn't start. From her description, and even her deduction, it was the battery, and it needed to be charged. The Youngest has this issue with his car occasionally because he doesn't get out and drive much, or start/run it for a bit every few days. Either way, as RM took it to the repair place they go, she noticed her A/C wasn't working either. Time goes on, they go back to pick it up, and the A/C still is not working. I guess she has to take it back in on Monday and leave it for them to figure it out. Weird that it would suddenly quit working with a battery issue. But I am worried about her, as any driving that now needs to be done, will be PT, and even RM mentioned just the drive to the services for a friend that passed, she was terrified by his driving. Prayers to her these next few days until she gets her car back. She is already thinking of ways to get stuff done, but without the need for PT to drive them. Like probably watching their church service on youtoob, versus actually going. Stay strong RM!!

The only thing I really need to complete today is the agenda for the Riders meeting tomorrow. From what I remember from last month, there won't be much on there, so shouldn't take long. Then I'll have to find things to keep my entertained. When I finish this, I'll be grabbing up my book and reading some of it, and spend a little time with God. Probably do my Home AA group at 11am. More than likely it will be a video game in there too. 

PeacE