'is A Slippery Slope ...'

 Back when I was in the IOP, I was told that by another patient. We were in "group" and I forget what the actual topic was, but I had mentioned that I still occasionally went to the bar to visit friends. This other patient was about my age, had some experience in psycho-therapy (as a therapist/counselor). He believed that all I was doing was tempting fate, that I would fall back into the drinking habit just because I was around alcohol. I politely sat through his verbal opinion about me, then promptly ignored it. Alcohol does not define me. I wouldn't go if I could not handle myself and I refuse to let it define me.

Defining oneself ... there's a topic! In fact, it was the chapter I read today. I'll be thinking on this one for awhile. What does define me? Am I in the process of changing that with all the other changes I am making? If it does, or even if it doesn't, what does define me? A lot of time for self-reflection on this one I think, plus conversation with God.

I feel better! Did the Para yesterday afternoon. Drained 4.7L, and from the u/s looks like they got pretty much all the fluid that was there. I "felt" like I was more drained. Of course I am now going through the couple days of letting the organs re-adjust to where they should be and unflatten themselves. It hurts a bit at times, and I tend to walk hunched over in the middle, but it is only for a couple days. I need to check with Mayo about the Dr. orders on file at Banner. Seems they only go through until later this month. I know with the TIPS, the lessening of fluid won't be instantaneous, but I believe I need the orders to even set an appointment. I got the lab results from the screening I had just over a week ago. I don't know how to read these things because of the names for stuff. I mean there are like 3-4 different cholesterol ones...etc. I didn't see any that specified nicotine. I did see a test result that I was NEG for alcohol (duh).

Today I have an extra Zoom meeting. It is one Mayo provides for transplantees, regardless of the organ. Most of us in there are for a combination of Liver, or liver and kidneys. Today they will have a guest speaker to field questions pertaining to medications related to all this, as they are a pharmacist there at the hospital. I might learn some useful stuff.

VFW National Convention was last weekend in Reno. I have not heard yet if it passed to make the Riders a 'sister' to the VFW (like the Auxiliary is) or not. Neither official word, or rumor. My Post Commander did a FB post that showed a back patch that read VFW RIDERS GROUP, and I know one of the factors involved was being able to create one Unity patch, instead of separate ones for POST/AUX. If I haven't heard anything by this weekend, I'll have to get the minutes out either way.

Don't give up. If the hair around your butthole can thrive in a challenging environment, so can you.

PeacE

I'm So Excited!

 If you cannot feel the sarcasm from that title, you don't know me. Today is "Hump Day", pr Wednesday as many know it. Which means I have a paracentesis scheduled. Today's is at 1pm. I pretty much already know what is going to happen: 10L of fluid will be drained, I'll get three bags of albumin IV'ed into me, and out the door I go until next week. Two weeks from tomorrow is the TIPS Procedure that will hopefully lessen these appointments, if not remove them completely.

Yesterday, the Older Sister sent some cryptic texts to family members. Her Son (my Nephew) is currently serving in the USAF, and is stationed over in New Mexico (I forget where). Allegedly he informed his Mom that something big is happening tonight [Tuesday] so everyone should top off their fuel tanks. I blew it off, as I don't feel he has enough rank/clearance to know something of this supposed level. This morning, I woke about 5:30am and remembered her text to me. I got up, and I have yet to see anything major on the networks. Iran did some surprise attacks last night on US Forces in the Middle East. US And Saudi Arabia attacked back. Russia supposedly hit a refinery or something in the Ukraine. Those are about the only ones I see that MAY Affect a need to top the tank. Maybe I am not looking at the future issues that may come from these events, but still...

The Family Drama going on with my family has settled somewhat. It is still there, and some things still need to be dealt with on a more immediate basis, but it is on hold for now. Still don't want to get into the details. As Patriarch of the family, I want to go in and bash heads together and force ultimatums, even though I know that is the worse way to do things. I have been trying to be the calm one, supporting and providing where needed. Sigh. It is so tiring for me, and being in this medical condition it just is not helping anything. But kudos to the Youngest, as he has stepped up and been helping quite a bit.

Had my quiet time this morning. This book I am reading ... it is weird for me. I can't remember the last time I read a book like this. I call it a self-help book, but it isn't really that. Nor is it a devotional of what I think one should be. IT got interesting, it lost my interest, it dragged me back, and losing interest again. It is like the author begins talking about something that I actually feel is important, then  - SQUIRREL - and the rest of the chapter is over. I'm only about a third of the way into the book. I will stick it out, but I inwardly grimace when I pick it up each day to read some. Not your fault RM, we all interpret things differently and I have a purpose while reading it, just as your did, though they are different.

Positive Affirmations and Daily Reflections. Back when I was going through my IOP, each day we would journal for five minutes, listing 3 things we're thankful for, 3 things we will accomplish that day, and a positive affirmation. These were not shared with group, unless one wanted to do so. I usually sat there and twiddled my thumbs, because by this time of the morning, I had already blogged (my journal so to speak) and as I waited to Join the Zoom meeting, I would do the 3/3/PA they wanted. Looking up affirmations on the Google is crap. It seemed that site after site pretty much just copied each other, and none of them moved me. Pinterest wasn't much help either, but I did find more interesting ones. I think I shall start texting RM one a day from my journal. There aren't many, some are crass (like me), and some are funny.

Welp, I think I have shared (over-shared) enough today. Four hours until meeting, so I need to go find something to do.

PeacE

The Battle Continues ...

 Yesterday I wrote about a small bit of Family Drama that is going on right now in my family. Let's just say, that after I posted things went even 'further South' and The Middle Son ended up at our house for the day and night. Later this morning, he'll ask the Youngest to drive him back so he is able to get his Jeep so that he will be able to make it to work tonight. Without getting into details, we are treating today more like a normal day, though he does not want to speak with his partner (at least right now) as he is still angry at them. Heck, I know I am, too! I found out why his partner texts everyone but myself and the Daughter - she doesn't like me. You know I don't have any worries about that, as I am definitely not a fan of this person, but it explains several incidences to me.

That being said, I am pushing it to a back burner and letting it sit and simmer. I spent a good part of the afternoon yesterday avoiding temptations. First I really wanted a drink. I had already attended my Home group meeting, and I was seriously debating just getting online into any meeting to take my mind off the wanting a drink. I did not attend another meeting, but I was able (with God's help) to push the thoughts away. Of course, while I am fighting this one, the cigarette desire kicked in as well, so I was getting double-whammied. It all got kicked away, and this morning, I am able to sit here and think of both without craving it.

Tomorrow is my only appointment I have this week, and it is a paracentesis at 1pm. That'll be about 2 hours long. They'll drain 10 liters, leave fluid in there, get me three bags of albumin, and send me on my way. I have a para scheduled for next Wednesday as well. Then it is the week of the TIPS procedure. So two weeks out... I want all the best results that this is supposed to provide, but I will take ANY good it could help with. Fewer paras. more time between them, less fluid build-up. I was notified through the portal that I had new test results in, so I went and looked. It only listed a NEGATIVE for the alcohol test. I thought this drug test was to include the nicotine and THC as well? I don't know, but there was only this one result on the report. I think I should message the Team and see when are they going to test for that, as it is the factor of getting on the list. It's been almost 3 weeks since I stopped smoking.

Sounds like RM is going to have a good day today. She is actually going into the office (across town) as one of the execs is retiring. She is bringing some food, plus plates, cups, etc. She'll help with set up and clean up. And she will socialize!! Free to talk to co-workers without PT hanging on her every conversation. I'm happy for her. I try each day to send her a 'Have a great day!' text, to help bolster her for the day, and I know it helps me when she wishes the same back. One of these days I need to search through her tags on her blog for issues that she may have more insight on that I am dealing with as well.

Quiet time is done this morning. The testing have been done (118/71, 71 bpm, 118 glucose) and the pills swallowed with the one liquid prescription I have to take. I guess I am somewhat free until closer to 11am which is my meeting time.

Have a great day!

PeacE

... And So It Starts ...

 The work week, for many, starts today. That glorious day most people whine about, Monday. Though, I have kind of starting liking Mondays. It's that start of the week to go through my calendar and see what is happening this week with appointments and other events. I sort of prepare my mind set for things that I may have to be at/do. That was taken away from me this morning.

I woke early, at 6am, and decided to go ahead and get up. I read in my book, I spent some time in reflection. I was praying when the Wife comes in the office. Seems the Middle Son and his partner are having [another] big fight. The Son is at work. She is allegedly sending him multiple texts and disturbing him at work. He is getting angrier and saying things I don't think he truly means. Needless to say, this is not the first (or second) time this has happened. It always begins with HER contacting everyone in our family except the Daughter and myself. She threatens to leave (with or without my grandson) and though it usually seems to happen on weekends, the Youngest and the Wife will rush over to help calm them. I'm usually informed of what is going on through the Wife. 

You would think there would be a point where "Dad gets involved", but I cannot. Through my bad decisions and lifestyle (the drinking) it has affected my relationship with my Middle Son the most, and unfortunately, he is the one most like me. That includes the drinking problems, as in, I have one, it might as well be 100. 

I'm going to stop there. You don't need to know anymore about it, and I don't want to think about it. I told the Wife this morning to just reply to the partner: no, we will not help you get a hotel room to get out of the apartment. Then I told the Wife she should add, you are both adults, start being one. I'm tired of these events happening. I mean, as parents we help them out as much as we can, financially at times to make sure they don't bounce payments, etc. But with the Son the only one working ... Okay, gotta stop again before I leave eraser marks all over the page and white-out on the screen.

So my prayer time was interrupted, thankfully I was nearly done. I had a moment to add this event on, too. Some mornings like today, I think I need a therapist on-call for me. I need to yell and scream and point out how "I am right" about this, and be judgmental about everything and everyone. I do have one, and I have 'hit my knees' at least more than twice since this started this morning. I take my blood pressure reading first thing every morning. I wonder how bad it is now, seeing how I am more than little angry, and so many other things.

Hope your day starts better than mine ...

PeacE

We Are On A Negative Approach ...

 ... that is sort of my feeling this morning. The past few weeks, overall, I have felt fine. A few bad days here and there, but no major bad issues. That changed a little last night. Yesterday I had noticed I was just completely exhausted all day. I even took a 3-hour nap late in the afternoon. When I woke from that nap, I was feeling kind of 'blah' all over and as the evening went on, it got worse. By about 9pm, I was groaning. I felt nauseated, could only dry heave. I felt like I was burning up, but the thermometer only showed me at 99.5, so not as bad as I felt. I started aching all over. I decided the best thing was to just go to bed, and see how it progresses. So, I did. I was wakened several times in a short span there around midnight. Each time I still felt terrible. 

I began to entertain thoughts of going to the ER, but realized that they would not be able to do much for me. Maybe some meds for the nausea and a paracentesis for pressure. Probably Tylenol for the low-grade fever.  Then be sent home 8 hours later with more medical bills, alleviated symptoms, but still not fixed. The Wife's alarm went off at 6:15am this morning. It does everyday. I don't know if she just can't figure out how to shut the weekend days off or what ... I did the trip to the bathroom, trying to analyze my body and how I felt this morning. Not feverish. Check - good. Nausea: down from what it was, and pretty much about the standard level of it I have each day - good. Tiredness? Oh yeah, still tired. Morning nap in my future maybe, though I have group meetings this morning. I am sure it is no big deal if I miss them, but I would rather not. So overall I am back to normal now.

I did my quiet time this morning. Read the chapter on "Drowning". This author seems to reference the AA program quite a bit, which is fine with me, as it gives me another reference point. I admit, my interest is up more today than it has been the last couple days about reading this book. For my Bible reading, I skimmed over the last few chapters of the OT, but nothing really stood out to me today.

My calendar is free pretty much all this week. I know I need to do the minutes from last weeks meeting, but I just haven't felt up to doing it yet. I don't see it happening today either.

PeacE

Was It A Good Time?

Yesterday I did go to the impromptu gathering of a few from my AA group. Though I had not been to this Valle Luna restaurant before, it is part of the chain, and similar to the one I would normally go to a bit closer to my home. There was about 15 of us in total (a couple brought spouses) and we had a great time. This was nice to get to know a few others, the ones I was able to talk with, on a more personal level. Also a chance to see the difference between in-person and on zoom camera. I was surprised by a couple... I was a bit surprised at this restaurant a bit. I guess when one gal had called about a reservation (if needed) they did not bother to inform her they could do separate tabs for each of us. So as we sat down, we were informed the tabs would be by table, or the whole group all together. Immediately I hear some side conversations about 'not have any cash on me' and similar, so how is everyone at a table to pay with their card? I understand a bit how the business side of it goes: large party, easier to do it this way than individual tabs.

...so I picked up the tab. For everyone in our group. The total actually came to less than what I had mentally calculated, so no problem there. I did it discretely (I thought) by letting the server know to just ring the group as a whole and bring me the tab. Well, when she came to me with the tab, everyone else was getting antsy for their 'per table' tabs, and see I just covered everyone. When asked why, I simply said, because it made it easier for everyone. There were a few that said 'I'll get you back' and a few that refused to let me pay, so gave me money towards the tip, which was fine. I finally just told everyone if they wanted to pay me back, pay it into our AA Group, as we survive on members donations only. Several said they would do that.

Why did I pick up the tab? I don't know. Financially it was not a burden at all, and it did make things easier for the server, and for us in the end. Did I have some menacing plan behind it? No. I wasn't looking for accolades and praise. I felt the urge touch my heart to do it, and it was out of my mouth before I realized what I was doing. God working through me? Maybe. I would like to think so. I wouldn't do this to be prideful (Proverbs 16:18), or to try to impress anyone. Nor try to upgrade my 'social status' with these peers. Only because I felt moved to do it. And here I am ruining it feeling the self-doubt, and possible judgement others may have towards me (positive or negative). Things to work on with God ...

I woke early today - about 5:20a. That call the bladder makes is not one I let go to voice mail, and I just couldn't get cozy back in bed. I thought, awesome! More quiet time this morning, and I utilized it. I read a chapter in the book I am reading. Today's was Day 6, and again, I felt I am not going anywhere with this book. But I do feel it is starting to get to the point, but it may be a couple more days yet. I did my random Bible-page flip and came up in Ecclesiates 7. I read through the whole chapter, as the Franklin Jensen bible has sections sub-labeled, and this one was 'Practical wisdom'. I am sure I am taking it out of context, but this verse stood out to me: 

Ecclesiastes 7:15 - I have seen everything in my days of vanity: There is a just man who perishes in his righteousness, and there is a wicked man who prolongs life in his wickedness.

The phrase "Only the good die young" keeps going through my head. As I think about that, I feel it to a degree. I shared before recently that my younger Sister was expecting a girl, and that I was to be an uncle (again). I was excited! My hang-out time with RM last Friday, I believe I even mentioned it to her. Then that evening we received bad news. She had miscarried. Saturday she was going to Indianapolis for a D&C. They took the option to hold her for a few after she was removed. A couple pictures were taken (of the babe, not anyone holding her). Obviously not being complete in growth development, the picture looks a bit ghastly, but a parent's love ... I feel so much anguish for her to have to go through this. My Daughter had miscarried a couple times before my Widget was born, but they were early enough this process did not have to happen. But my heart is in pieces at what my Sister is going through.

I think of friends that I held dear that have passed away. In fact, yesterday was my buddy Don's birthday, and he left us around 10+ years ago. And Smitty just before him. True, both were about 15 years older than I, but they were my friends.

Sigh. I am getting down in the dumps... So I will leave you with some Billy Joel. 

PeacE

Party Time!

 It's Thursday and I don't have anything on my calendar (medically) that needs to be done. But I have that 1pm  luncheon listed! It will be a different kind of experience for me, meeting a group of people I have only seen/heard through the computer. Our support fellowship will carry through I am sure, and it will be just the same as us chatting online before/after meetings. I believe I am excited more than anxious, and for me that is good.

My friend Jeff called me the other day. About a week ago was his birthday, and I had sent him a text, that he responded "thanks" to. I didn't hear back for any plans, some I was guessing he was spending the evening with family. Well he called this week, and we talked. HE wanted an update to where I am at, which I gave. He said he just went to the bar on his birthday. I said you should have called me. I can go and have soda for a couple hours... But that was then. Either way, we are going to try to meet up for lunch next week.

I did a drug test yesterday. Vial of blood and a urine sample. I am praying it shows my nicotine at 0, so my case will be reviewed next Wednesday. Worse case is I have to wait until next month for the next drug screen, and repeat. Different sources say different things about the time-frame for nicotine to not be detected on a drug screening, and also the amount you smoked can affect the results. I was a light smoker, so hopefully it will clear out of my system faster. Will wait and see.

Had a paracentesis yesterday. Drained another 10L, but had to leave fluid. I estimate by weight it is probably about 2-3 liters. I feel better today. Yesterday I was so uncomfortable from the ascites build-up, I felt fatigued (I fell asleep during the para once they had the catheter in), nausea and of course hungry, because I had to fast for the lab work just before the para. Afterwards I swung by Walgreens for the Wife's prescriptions, then CVS for my special order one, then to Subway, where I had ordered through the app, then home. That sub was so good after not eating all day.

In my quiet time this morning I reached chapter 5 in this book. I was starting to lose interest in this book because it felt like it was going stagnant. But I guess that was just the "intro section (5 chapters of it?) as now it looks like it is moving along to 'Step One'.

And with that, I am outta here!

PeacE