To The Guy That Discovered Milk ...

 ... What were you thinking at the time?

Even my mind doesn't want to delve into that line any further. But don't we all reflect at some point point, and ask that questions: What was I thinking? This role-reversal I am going through, from being so much of a pessimist to being an optimist more often, has me asking that question so much, I try to just put it out of my head when it stops by. I promptly say to myself, 'Self. Too bad. What's done is done'.

I'm running a bit later than my usual this morning (considering I slept until the alarm went off). I don't know where I got behind ... my quiet time? I'd like to think so, but truthfully I do not know. I do know I am quite tired today. The previous night I had mentioned I felt like I only napped. This smart ring actually told me it recorded no sleep pattern. So it must have registered the night as naps. So up at 4am yesterday.

Had the paracentesis at 9am. They did me dry at 9.8L. When I got home I weighed myself for a true weight, and I am down to 243 lbs. Then I ate a 5-meat Italian sub from Subway. The Wife had made meatloaf (with mashed potatoes on the side) the night before, and there was plenty of leftovers. I had some more of it last night for dinner. There's enough for lunch today as well. I forgot how much I love meatloaf!! I have ordered at restaurants, but theirs is usually tasteless, some kind of grey color, and just not good. But home-made? MMM, MMM, GOOD.

Like last month, the para brought on some muscle cramping. Particularly on my sides, just above my hips, and it HURTS! Way worse than a leg cramp (which one can sometimes walk off) as I cannot get it to stop until it wants to do so. Walking out of the hospital it hit, and thankfully there were some chairs at that part of the lobby. I had to sit about 10 minutes for it to go away. Now I look like an old man, hunched over, free hand grabbing my side, almost shuffling with a cane as I exit. Through in some tears that might have fallen, I probably looked like I should go back in! But I got the car (thank goodness for valet), picked up a prescription and lancets, my sub, and headed home. The rest of the day I stayed in, dealing with twinges of cramps, and the 'readjustment of organs' that always happens.

Nothing on the calendar today. Well, except bragging it is my 11th month of sobriety!! Hard to believe it has been almost a year. Even harder to imagine that I truly have not had more than a couple cravings for drink in all this time. I'm also over a month of no smoking. Those urges still visit me daily, but I am getting really good at getting rid of them.

This past week or so, I have started texting RM every morning. Before, I hardly ever called or text on my own. But it feels good to just text how she is like a ray of sunshine, and then I share an affirmation - my 'Today's Tidbit' which is usually some little funny. I type in Love you Mom while thinking of giving her a hug, and send it. She says she loves getting the texts, though I think it is more that she hears from me, because before I hardly communicated. Well, I was going through some of the few notebooks I have stacked up in here, mostly from the IOP, and came across my Funnies book. I had unofficially the sharer of the day's funny at the end of group each day. So I would scour the internet looking for decent, clean one liners or affirmations we could relate to, and wrote them down. So I thin k I will close out each day (for awhile anyways) with one each day here...

My doctor told me I was going deaf. It was hard to hear.

PeacE

Acceptance - The Sequel

 Tuesday in my AA Home Group a speaker usually joins us and shares their story (about 15 minutes) and either from their experiences or whatever, they pick a topic that we bounce around the group in discussion. Today's follows my previous post ... Usually it is something like 'acceptance of your faults', etc. but today it was just the word 'acceptance'.

The problem with being in a group you frequently see, you get 'tagged' from others in the group to talk. I have noticed a trend that most regulars will call only on other regulars. Personally, I try to bring in someone that is fairly new (to AA or to our group) but not like this is their first day new. Well, I don't know how my brain works, but when I wrote about acceptance, I think it was more situated around the medical/death scenario. By 11:30am, it was in a new place. I got tagged, of course.

Acceptance. For us it has a wide field of coverage throughout our lives. Acceptance of our drinking problem. Acceptance of a Higher Power. Acceptance of our faults. Acceptance in group - never been to an AA meeting I did not feel accepted. Except a couple times years ago (another story, another time). The list just goes on.

Some of it is hard to get through. Like me, I am working on issues with my acceptance of a Higher Power (God). I have accepted my drinking problem. I have accepted the wrongness of actions while I was drinking. I have accepted I may be attending meetings for the rest of my life ... needed or not. And I try to be accepting to others. Greeting people (even in zoom), thanking them for sharing (if they did). I try to never speak out in irritation because of a difference of opinion, or exclude/snub others even online.

I'm going to let that all marinate there for the rest of the day and night. Maybe I'll add more in the morning.

Welcome to the pre-morning, when the sun has yet to peek its bright self over the mountaintop, and scorch the Valley into a mild version of Hell. Yeah, I am up early. I woke around 4am and just could not go back to sleep. So did my quiet time, and now am getting the day started. I had even set an alarm for 30 minutes prior to my usual time, to allow me time to sit with God, since I have a paracentesis this morning. At least the time isn't being wasted.

Ended out yesterday with the House/Entertainment committee meetings. I have a couple days before I need to be sure the minutes are done and into our Adjutant, as there are points to bring up to the general Post meeting next Tuesday. I spoke to our Commander (who is also Treasurer for the Riders) about the voting that was to take place at National Convention, making the Riders a separate VSO (Veteran Service Organization) like the Auxiliary are. Verbally, unofficially, he said yes it passed. He had a picture of what the new unified patch will look like, too. I need to reach out to our state leadership to find out what is the next step we need to do to get all this started. State may be waiting instruction from National. I emailed out to the Riders the basic 'unofficial' information, the pic of the new patch, and listed details for a dinner the Riders are doing this month. No, RM, it is not a regular Riders Dinner. On 8/15 the Aux. had to cancel their steak fry due to members being at the MIT conference that weekend. The Riders are jumping in this one night to at least have some food available. It's just hotdogs/hamburgers with an added twist: I won't be there. I informed them all. I gave the info of who has signed up to help, who is bringing some food, a list of things we probably still need (cheese slices maybe, condiments depending on what is in the fridge at the Post). Then 2 days later is the Riders meeting, which I will need to try to attend. Hopefully I will be able. The TIPS is being done 8/13.

The Wife had meatloaf going when I got home. I haven't meatloaf in forever it seems, and this of course did not disappoint. She even added a layer of mozzarella cheese to the middle. Side of mashed potatoes...mmm, mmm good! Then she also added some of the juices from the pain on the mashed potatoes.... It was soooo good! I saw how much was leftover, and glad to see I might get two days out of it - as long as no one else touches it.

I got to nap a bit in the night, and here I am. Hope you have a great day!

PeacE

Acceptance

 One the definitions of 'acceptance' is: the mental state of taking reality as it is. Reality, and how it is. Almost a year ago, I started learning more about acceptance. When I was diagnosed in early September that I had a diseased liver, and if I didn't stop drinking, it could kill me literally at any moment. The percentage of my liver that was still able to function (and not destroyed by cirrhosis) was pulling some major overtime, which was not helping anything at all. The staff in the ER that first visit gently said I should contact my PCP, and get appointments with a GI, and a liver specialist. When I saw the PCP, she added on a general surgeon, as I had an umbilical hernia already going on as well.

All of that was pretty much in the first two weeks. I have been thinking hard about what was going on; what are my percentages of dying if I do nothing; what will I go through if I do nothing, or yet, if I do start with orders from the doctors. Yes, the morbid thoughts of dying were forefront in my mind. I had stopped drinking voluntarily back when the basic diagnosis came in, and actually a few days before that, because I wasn't feeling good. What if I didn't stop? I knew that if I had one, it would turn into a hundred. The only time I said no to alcohol was when I ran out cash on me, or closing time, it seemed.

Though I have joked for years with bar buddies about being a drunk, because Alcoholics go to meetings, I started thinking about that. Doctors were asking if am going to join, if I was going to stop drinking. I had to tell them honestly that I did not know. I was contemplating my life, and realizing how bad I had lived mine for around 35 years. It's literally sobering. I didn't want to be going to meetings (had a bad couple encounters at AA before - story for another time), so I decided I would do it on my own. By this time, I was seeing doctors, starting a medication regime (to stop symptoms so they could find the true problem). I did not need the surgery for the hernia - as long as it wasn't leaking fluid, and caused no pain, that Dr. said they would fix it during my transplant.

That was the first definitive time I heard anything about a transplant. Before, I was under the impression with decent medical care, I may not need that extreme. I also was STILL waiting to see the liver specialist. When I finally saw him (in December - 4 months later) more medication was added to my list. I returned for a follow-up in January, and though some things had improved, others had not. HE adjusted a dosage of the medication he had prescribed. In February, the specialist admitted it was time to call in the big guns. He reached out to Banner's transplant facility, for them to call/evaluate me for transplant. Banner called, and denied the opportunity as the costs related to the procedure and years of after-care would be extensive and financially draining to me (they were not on my plan - but their hospitals are - the transplant works separately of hospitals and has it's own rules I guess). I became depressed. What do I do? A few days pass, and I get a call from Mayo Clinic and they complete a basic phone medical history. They needed to pull reports on my ER visits, and all the doctors I had been seeing. They stated I need to stop drinking (still had not drank since 9/6) and to stop taking the THC gummy I did at night to help me get to sleep. In March, they took me on as a patient for the transplant procedure. 

In one of those early consults with a doctor on my transplant team, they went over the odds both ways, of having versus not having, the transplant. We discussed basic life with after-care. Again, reminder to not drink, stop taking the gummies (no probs) and since I was a light smoker, they said I may be able to get through it all without having to quit (that turned out to be false). It was at this time that a decision had to be made to do the transplant route, suffer through symptoms and live out my days, limited though they would be, or do nothing and die at an undetermined time.

Death does not scare me by any means. But what does is my family and how they would go on without me. How much hurt and pain I would cause with my death. I had young grandchildren ... I wanted to see them grow up. I didn't want to leave my Wife alone. I thought long and hard, then decided to toss in the proverbial towel, and follow the transplant route - NO MATTER WHAT.

A couple requirements were needing to be completed prior to even being considered for the waiting list, was an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) minimum of 8 weeks. The next day I had found a place, and started the next day. Another was I had to attend an AA Meeting a minimum of one time per week, for the next three years minimum. I went to AA, found out there are Zoom meetings now versus in-person (though they still do those as well). I threw my attitude into the trash, and went to a meeting (online) three days after being informed of the requirement.

Where am I going? Well, I accepted it all. Accepted the chances of dying. The chance of recovery (better than the dying ones). Lowered my walls and accepted the IOP. By the end of my 8 weeks, the fellowship of group had felt so good, and I learned quite a bit while attending. I had been attending one AA meeting a little more than others, and started joining more often, then asked to join as my Home Group. I know go an average of 5 days a week for learning, experience sharing, fellowship. Though I don't cravings, and really have not had any since I quit in September, I still am supposed to follow the program steps.

So many other things I have had to learn to accept: How I wronged others in my drinking years. How bad did it destroy my body, other than my liver. This is ALL going to be Lifetime Changes, and there is no turning back, just failure and death. I accepted it all. And now I am working hard at accepting Christ again (my Higher Power). I lost faith and now am filled with doubts about me and God. I'm reading help books, I am trying to glean knowledge from the Bible. I'm praying. Many in AA said that their Sponsors would tell them of their struggles, to 'fake it until you make it'. I'm not doing that with my relationship with God. I'm trying to correct ME to be the person I should have been all these years I wasn't.

Wow, that was a bit more than I wanted to throw out there, but I guess I felt the need. I am not worried about people knowing about this medical stuff. I've accepted it, they can too!

And with that, I am out of here before I ramble more ...

PeacE

I Almost Done Forgot ...

 ... to write in here today. I was going through the morning routine but when I got to the part where I write a post, I didn't even think about it and went on with whatever I do next. I was like, 'Whoa!'. So I backtracked and here we are. Sitting and staring at the screens between us, waiting for me to come up with some significant ramble to entertain you.

I mentioned yesterday I think, that at the birthday party on Saturday, my Brother and I caught up a bit. While we were talking about my medical stuff (I believe it was the TIPS), I had said something along the lines of '...and eventually get rid of this lump' and he sort of pointedly looked at my stomach. So I lifted the edge of my shirt and showed him the umbilical hernia I have going on. He about freaked at first, then he whips out his phone and begs me to show it again so he can get a picture. I asked why he would want a picture of my 'inside-out' belly button, and his reply ... that thing has a nipple on it! SMH. I tried to explain it isn't a nipple, but the actual bottom of the belly button being pushed out. HE wouldn't see it any other way though and kept on about the "nipple". Needless to say, I don't know how many beers he was in, and he never did get a picture. My Brother is an idiot at times ....

This week is not too crazy. House/Ent Comm. meeting on Tuesday. Para on Wednesday, Middle Son's birthday on Friday, and a Dist 3 training meeting on Saturday (VFW). Next week will be the busy one with a CT, and the tips procedure.

I did finally get the minutes for the Riders done, and the Agenda for the House/Ent Comm. yesterday morning. It only took me like 4 hours. Sigh. But it is done and out of the way.

Looks like I need to place an order at the grocery. I am out of soda. I'd prefer to get like a gallon of tea, but the fridge is too full to support two gallons, plus the milk. Sodas I can counter after opening. I think the Youngest is out as well.

The Wife made a quick stew last night, and I even admitted to her, it had to be one of the best renditions she has made. The potatoes and carrots were cooked to perfection - nice and soft, yet firm enough to stay in shape. I think she used one of the smaller pork tenderloins for meat, so nice chunks there. It was spiced wonderfully (even if I do add more, and hotter, after a try a few bites. I suppose I need to get off my butt and do a dinner again. I was trying for once a week, but this past week I have been fatigued for some reason. That started about Thursday, and still lingers. I think itis just yet another symptom of the medical stuff going on, or worsening. I don't know. 

I did message Mayo regarding the standing doctor's orders I have at Banner Hospital for my paracentesis. I could schedule my own as need for therapeutic reasons, but limited to the 10L max drain. It expires 8/20/26. So I asked if it needs to be extended, could it be extended, what are we going to do? The reduction of fluid build-up to is supposed to decrease, does not happen miraculously overnight, and I may need to do some paras for a bit afterwards - hoping that the length of time between increases, and the drainage amount decreases. I hope to have an answer today.

Yet another prescription to get today. I have one other I am waiting to be filled, and that will be all of them this month. I also need to get some more lancets for the glucose testing. Maybe after I pick up my store order.

PeacE

Geez ... Pick Something Already!

 I have started recently to do a 'quiet time' for reflection, meditation, and time with God. Why? Well, because I see others doing, or claiming to, it and how much it helps them. RM has been doing her morning time with God for years now, and I think that is what pushed me into doing something of the same. I haven't done Discipleship training. I don't have a daily devotional to study a passage of the Bible each day. Right now I read a chapter (they're short) in this book RM recommended, followed with bringing my Bible out. Most days I am turn about reading the Bible. I have argued with myself that the best place to start is at the beginning. But part of me rebels, and would prefer a more methodical, devotional, teaching way of doing this. So I would just randomly open it up, and read some of the passages from that page and maybe a page or two further. Do I always make sense of it? Not a chance! Sometimes do I get 'lucky'? Sure! Even a blind squirrel is able to find a nut every now and then.

This morning I decided I would focus on reading a book of the bible. Doesn't matter how much of a chapter(s) I read, but that I do it. I decided on Psalms. In the process of finding and placing my Faith, I thought this might be a good starting spot to learn how to lift God up, share his praises, and still learn. As I started this morning, I felt better - more focused, more in-tune with what I was reading, able to apply myself to it better (I think). Then lastly comes Prayer.

Is there a perfect outline/formula for prayer? If there is, I don't know of it. I give praise, for what I have seen and what I have not seen. I ask for guidance to do His will. I ask for forgiveness for my wrongdoings, and the help to "forget" them when given up. That one is hard. Relinquishing control over things is just hard for me. I think it is a carry-over from when I was a narcissist (my drinking days) of having/keeping control. 

Somewhere in all this, I started texting RM each morning. I toss out a GM!, a daily affirmation, or positive vibe, and an I love you Mom! It's good I stay in touch better. Especially when I have questions of a spiritual nature, RM is near at hand. Plus, I think she likes the attention (smirk).

Went to a birthday party for a good friend yesterday and even the Wife went with me (finally talked her into it). Tons of food! Smoked brisket, shredded pork, chicken, ribs... and that was just the meat! we ate, and visited briefly one on one with the Hosts. After a couple hours, both of us were ready to go. There was just too many people. Every room was crowded and standing room only, plus between the heat, and something I had ate, was making me nauseous. The Wife's social meter was buried in the red she told me on the way home ... where I did get sick, but felt better after. My Brother and SIL were there, so I visited a bit with him. We haven't seen each other in a while, so he caught me up on his kids' issues, and about the granddaughter living with them. Then actually asked about how I was doing, so I shared where I was at with my medical. I may need to use him for a colonoscopy appt. later this month, if the Youngest doesn't make it back from his trip in time. We briefly talked about phone habits - he prefers calling people to update them on things, and just talk. I hate talking on the phone. You have me on the phone, it's going to be short, with info that I needed quickly. Otherwise text me, and I'll get back you in some form. So my Brother tells my Sister he doesn't talk to me because I am mean on the phone. Eyeroll. What made him think that? (Duh!)

After I finish this it is a work day. I need to do the Riders minutes, and the Agenda for the House Comm. I did hear last night, unofficially still, that the Riders did have a positive vote to become a separate entity/sister organization to the VFW. Still nothing from leadership at the State or National level have sent anything to me. The website does not reflect any changes. I know it was just last weekend, but still. Sigh what can ya do?

With that I am out of here!

PeacE

Mired in Muck

 Personally, I have been struggling these past few months with the whole 'Higher Power' issue that is part of some steps in the AA process. We are to recognize our Higher Power - It can be anything we are told. But I think the belief they want you to establish is that there is a something else there that controls things, and not some idealistic Big Bang theory. They have said your Higher Power could be anything, you just have to believe in it. Well, based on how I was raised, I knew there was God and his opposite, Satan. Though I have not followed, worshipped, or practiced any religion since my younger teen years, I wanted to get to this second step of admitting my powerlessness with alcohol to a Higher Power. But I held back (maybe am holding back) because I feel something isn't right.

I'm sure that anyone that has attended any basic Christian church, knows that John 3:16 verse that everyone throws around. 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin made it a big thing in his wrestling career. It covers everything in one verse - God's love for us that he gave his son, and if we believe in him, we will have eternal life (salvation). But what if you carry so much doubt, so much that you, to the core, believe that God could not accept you back after things you have done. That placing Faith (not seen) which is Trust, to an entity that is supposed to help mold you into their form (attitude, etc.). I used to call myself Agnostic - would only believe it if I saw it. This went from miracles to rare occurrences. In this day and age of cell phones, we see too much of it, as well as probably ten times worse stuff (the Devil has media in his pocket).It's easy to NOT to want to blindly place faith in/on an intangible. But I used to do so. Why can't I now?

I know questions roll through my mind about it several times a day. I'm not good enough. How do I know He wants me back? Do I just drop back in where I left off? I'm an adult now and it has been many years, how does this affect things? So many questions that lean to self-doubt. In a sense, I am scared to release control of all things, and let something I cannot see guide me. I have other thoughts of what I remember as parts of the Bible having read before, but even RM has not been able to find a reference to what I am thinking - is it really there? Or am I being manipulated by the Devil, to increase the self-doubt issues I am having currently.

In several shares of other AA members, I have heard that many of their Sponsors told them to 'fake it 'til you make it' when it comes to a Higher Power. I have done that for jobs, but never on something like this. I don't want to be a fake Christian. I want to be able to completely give myself to God, but I don't want to give up the control. 

My. I am going to stop there. Seems I have more issue than one in regards to this. In the meantime, I will read any book that I think will help me understand the type of person I am, and what I need to do. I will read passages from the Bible. And yes, though I am not oral about praying, I do pray as well. May he guide me to His will for me today.

PeacE

If The DEA Knew ...

 ... about the amount of drugs (prescriptions) I have picked up (legally) this week, I am sure I would be border-line arrestable. Well, maybe that isn't totally true, but I feel like it. I have already been up to the pharmacy twice, and have yet another order ready for me to pick up. I am not complaining by any means. I 'need' these per Mayo, to get by until the transplant. I trust them, as I have no choice, really. I have no knowledge that would lead to a different route. I recall this past Wednesday, while with the nurses as they prepped my albumin drip, they had asked my plans. I said I was getting a burrito from Al Pollo Loco, then picking up some drugs - I got a hard look. 'You mean prescriptions, right?' they asked. I convinced her that yes, I meant prescriptions ... then when she turned away I rolled my eyes. This nurse wasn't one of the ones you could joke with, and I had not seen her before. Oh well, such is life.

I was left home yesterday evening, unsupervised, and you know that isn't always a good thing. But I tried to make it one. I found another online AA meeting and decided to attend. It doesn't hurt to get out there and try different groups. I wasn't too sure about this one. I did know two people there, as they are in my home group, but otherwise, knew no one. I wasn't really 'welcomed' in, though that doesn't matter to me. Just an observation. There was a good topic of discussion on Faith and Acceptance, and I heard some good shares, but overall, the group mentality to me just wasn't clicking. I may try this group again another time, and see if it, or I, have changed.

Yesterday evening I was teasing with RM. I had some notifications go off on my phone, and I went to check them. I accidently opened up the Circle 360 app that RM and I share a circle on. I noticed it said she was not at home... Curious, I looked on the map as to where she was. She had been sitting at this location for 22 minutes, in a neighborhood area that has many shops and restaurants. Thinking she had recently finished her workday, PT must have wanted to go out to eat. From the map in this app I could not tell what restaurant they were at, but texted her anyways: 'Oooo, what restaurant are you eating at?'. No reply came. I shrugged my shoulders and figured she may not have heard my text, or was busy and would get to it later, which she did about an hour later. Turns out it was Denny's, so I had pretty much guessed correctly.

Nothing really planned today. Meeting at the usual time. Yesterday I went to Mayo's Transplant support group. They had a couple in-hospital pharmacists there to answer medication questions (of their capability). It was interesting, and I learned the names and some side effects of the anti-rejection pills I could be taking for the rest of my life. They briefly explained how at each medication change, they review our labs, what we take currently, how the new dose/medicine could react with those. Overall it was interesting. I took some notes, but I am not sure they will do me much good - I'll get what they give me.

And with that, I think I will close this off today. Remember, having a shitty day does not make you a shitty person.

PeacE