'is A Slippery Slope ...'

 Back when I was in the IOP, I was told that by another patient. We were in "group" and I forget what the actual topic was, but I had mentioned that I still occasionally went to the bar to visit friends. This other patient was about my age, had some experience in psycho-therapy (as a therapist/counselor). He believed that all I was doing was tempting fate, that I would fall back into the drinking habit just because I was around alcohol. I politely sat through his verbal opinion about me, then promptly ignored it. Alcohol does not define me. I wouldn't go if I could not handle myself and I refuse to let it define me.

Defining oneself ... there's a topic! In fact, it was the chapter I read today. I'll be thinking on this one for awhile. What does define me? Am I in the process of changing that with all the other changes I am making? If it does, or even if it doesn't, what does define me? A lot of time for self-reflection on this one I think, plus conversation with God.

I feel better! Did the Para yesterday afternoon. Drained 4.7L, and from the u/s looks like they got pretty much all the fluid that was there. I "felt" like I was more drained. Of course I am now going through the couple days of letting the organs re-adjust to where they should be and unflatten themselves. It hurts a bit at times, and I tend to walk hunched over in the middle, but it is only for a couple days. I need to check with Mayo about the Dr. orders on file at Banner. Seems they only go through until later this month. I know with the TIPS, the lessening of fluid won't be instantaneous, but I believe I need the orders to even set an appointment. I got the lab results from the screening I had just over a week ago. I don't know how to read these things because of the names for stuff. I mean there are like 3-4 different cholesterol ones...etc. I didn't see any that specified nicotine. I did see a test result that I was NEG for alcohol (duh).

Today I have an extra Zoom meeting. It is one Mayo provides for transplantees, regardless of the organ. Most of us in there are for a combination of Liver, or liver and kidneys. Today they will have a guest speaker to field questions pertaining to medications related to all this, as they are a pharmacist there at the hospital. I might learn some useful stuff.

VFW National Convention was last weekend in Reno. I have not heard yet if it passed to make the Riders a 'sister' to the VFW (like the Auxiliary is) or not. Neither official word, or rumor. My Post Commander did a FB post that showed a back patch that read VFW RIDERS GROUP, and I know one of the factors involved was being able to create one Unity patch, instead of separate ones for POST/AUX. If I haven't heard anything by this weekend, I'll have to get the minutes out either way.

Don't give up. If the hair around your butthole can thrive in a challenging environment, so can you.

PeacE

I'm So Excited!

 If you cannot feel the sarcasm from that title, you don't know me. Today is "Hump Day", pr Wednesday as many know it. Which means I have a paracentesis scheduled. Today's is at 1pm. I pretty much already know what is going to happen: 10L of fluid will be drained, I'll get three bags of albumin IV'ed into me, and out the door I go until next week. Two weeks from tomorrow is the TIPS Procedure that will hopefully lessen these appointments, if not remove them completely.

Yesterday, the Older Sister sent some cryptic texts to family members. Her Son (my Nephew) is currently serving in the USAF, and is stationed over in New Mexico (I forget where). Allegedly he informed his Mom that something big is happening tonight [Tuesday] so everyone should top off their fuel tanks. I blew it off, as I don't feel he has enough rank/clearance to know something of this supposed level. This morning, I woke about 5:30am and remembered her text to me. I got up, and I have yet to see anything major on the networks. Iran did some surprise attacks last night on US Forces in the Middle East. US And Saudi Arabia attacked back. Russia supposedly hit a refinery or something in the Ukraine. Those are about the only ones I see that MAY Affect a need to top the tank. Maybe I am not looking at the future issues that may come from these events, but still...

The Family Drama going on with my family has settled somewhat. It is still there, and some things still need to be dealt with on a more immediate basis, but it is on hold for now. Still don't want to get into the details. As Patriarch of the family, I want to go in and bash heads together and force ultimatums, even though I know that is the worse way to do things. I have been trying to be the calm one, supporting and providing where needed. Sigh. It is so tiring for me, and being in this medical condition it just is not helping anything. But kudos to the Youngest, as he has stepped up and been helping quite a bit.

Had my quiet time this morning. This book I am reading ... it is weird for me. I can't remember the last time I read a book like this. I call it a self-help book, but it isn't really that. Nor is it a devotional of what I think one should be. IT got interesting, it lost my interest, it dragged me back, and losing interest again. It is like the author begins talking about something that I actually feel is important, then  - SQUIRREL - and the rest of the chapter is over. I'm only about a third of the way into the book. I will stick it out, but I inwardly grimace when I pick it up each day to read some. Not your fault RM, we all interpret things differently and I have a purpose while reading it, just as your did, though they are different.

Positive Affirmations and Daily Reflections. Back when I was going through my IOP, each day we would journal for five minutes, listing 3 things we're thankful for, 3 things we will accomplish that day, and a positive affirmation. These were not shared with group, unless one wanted to do so. I usually sat there and twiddled my thumbs, because by this time of the morning, I had already blogged (my journal so to speak) and as I waited to Join the Zoom meeting, I would do the 3/3/PA they wanted. Looking up affirmations on the Google is crap. It seemed that site after site pretty much just copied each other, and none of them moved me. Pinterest wasn't much help either, but I did find more interesting ones. I think I shall start texting RM one a day from my journal. There aren't many, some are crass (like me), and some are funny.

Welp, I think I have shared (over-shared) enough today. Four hours until meeting, so I need to go find something to do.

PeacE

The Battle Continues ...

 Yesterday I wrote about a small bit of Family Drama that is going on right now in my family. Let's just say, that after I posted things went even 'further South' and The Middle Son ended up at our house for the day and night. Later this morning, he'll ask the Youngest to drive him back so he is able to get his Jeep so that he will be able to make it to work tonight. Without getting into details, we are treating today more like a normal day, though he does not want to speak with his partner (at least right now) as he is still angry at them. Heck, I know I am, too! I found out why his partner texts everyone but myself and the Daughter - she doesn't like me. You know I don't have any worries about that, as I am definitely not a fan of this person, but it explains several incidences to me.

That being said, I am pushing it to a back burner and letting it sit and simmer. I spent a good part of the afternoon yesterday avoiding temptations. First I really wanted a drink. I had already attended my Home group meeting, and I was seriously debating just getting online into any meeting to take my mind off the wanting a drink. I did not attend another meeting, but I was able (with God's help) to push the thoughts away. Of course, while I am fighting this one, the cigarette desire kicked in as well, so I was getting double-whammied. It all got kicked away, and this morning, I am able to sit here and think of both without craving it.

Tomorrow is my only appointment I have this week, and it is a paracentesis at 1pm. That'll be about 2 hours long. They'll drain 10 liters, leave fluid in there, get me three bags of albumin, and send me on my way. I have a para scheduled for next Wednesday as well. Then it is the week of the TIPS procedure. So two weeks out... I want all the best results that this is supposed to provide, but I will take ANY good it could help with. Fewer paras. more time between them, less fluid build-up. I was notified through the portal that I had new test results in, so I went and looked. It only listed a NEGATIVE for the alcohol test. I thought this drug test was to include the nicotine and THC as well? I don't know, but there was only this one result on the report. I think I should message the Team and see when are they going to test for that, as it is the factor of getting on the list. It's been almost 3 weeks since I stopped smoking.

Sounds like RM is going to have a good day today. She is actually going into the office (across town) as one of the execs is retiring. She is bringing some food, plus plates, cups, etc. She'll help with set up and clean up. And she will socialize!! Free to talk to co-workers without PT hanging on her every conversation. I'm happy for her. I try each day to send her a 'Have a great day!' text, to help bolster her for the day, and I know it helps me when she wishes the same back. One of these days I need to search through her tags on her blog for issues that she may have more insight on that I am dealing with as well.

Quiet time is done this morning. The testing have been done (118/71, 71 bpm, 118 glucose) and the pills swallowed with the one liquid prescription I have to take. I guess I am somewhat free until closer to 11am which is my meeting time.

Have a great day!

PeacE

... And So It Starts ...

 The work week, for many, starts today. That glorious day most people whine about, Monday. Though, I have kind of starting liking Mondays. It's that start of the week to go through my calendar and see what is happening this week with appointments and other events. I sort of prepare my mind set for things that I may have to be at/do. That was taken away from me this morning.

I woke early, at 6am, and decided to go ahead and get up. I read in my book, I spent some time in reflection. I was praying when the Wife comes in the office. Seems the Middle Son and his partner are having [another] big fight. The Son is at work. She is allegedly sending him multiple texts and disturbing him at work. He is getting angrier and saying things I don't think he truly means. Needless to say, this is not the first (or second) time this has happened. It always begins with HER contacting everyone in our family except the Daughter and myself. She threatens to leave (with or without my grandson) and though it usually seems to happen on weekends, the Youngest and the Wife will rush over to help calm them. I'm usually informed of what is going on through the Wife. 

You would think there would be a point where "Dad gets involved", but I cannot. Through my bad decisions and lifestyle (the drinking) it has affected my relationship with my Middle Son the most, and unfortunately, he is the one most like me. That includes the drinking problems, as in, I have one, it might as well be 100. 

I'm going to stop there. You don't need to know anymore about it, and I don't want to think about it. I told the Wife this morning to just reply to the partner: no, we will not help you get a hotel room to get out of the apartment. Then I told the Wife she should add, you are both adults, start being one. I'm tired of these events happening. I mean, as parents we help them out as much as we can, financially at times to make sure they don't bounce payments, etc. But with the Son the only one working ... Okay, gotta stop again before I leave eraser marks all over the page and white-out on the screen.

So my prayer time was interrupted, thankfully I was nearly done. I had a moment to add this event on, too. Some mornings like today, I think I need a therapist on-call for me. I need to yell and scream and point out how "I am right" about this, and be judgmental about everything and everyone. I do have one, and I have 'hit my knees' at least more than twice since this started this morning. I take my blood pressure reading first thing every morning. I wonder how bad it is now, seeing how I am more than little angry, and so many other things.

Hope your day starts better than mine ...

PeacE

We Are On A Negative Approach ...

 ... that is sort of my feeling this morning. The past few weeks, overall, I have felt fine. A few bad days here and there, but no major bad issues. That changed a little last night. Yesterday I had noticed I was just completely exhausted all day. I even took a 3-hour nap late in the afternoon. When I woke from that nap, I was feeling kind of 'blah' all over and as the evening went on, it got worse. By about 9pm, I was groaning. I felt nauseated, could only dry heave. I felt like I was burning up, but the thermometer only showed me at 99.5, so not as bad as I felt. I started aching all over. I decided the best thing was to just go to bed, and see how it progresses. So, I did. I was wakened several times in a short span there around midnight. Each time I still felt terrible. 

I began to entertain thoughts of going to the ER, but realized that they would not be able to do much for me. Maybe some meds for the nausea and a paracentesis for pressure. Probably Tylenol for the low-grade fever.  Then be sent home 8 hours later with more medical bills, alleviated symptoms, but still not fixed. The Wife's alarm went off at 6:15am this morning. It does everyday. I don't know if she just can't figure out how to shut the weekend days off or what ... I did the trip to the bathroom, trying to analyze my body and how I felt this morning. Not feverish. Check - good. Nausea: down from what it was, and pretty much about the standard level of it I have each day - good. Tiredness? Oh yeah, still tired. Morning nap in my future maybe, though I have group meetings this morning. I am sure it is no big deal if I miss them, but I would rather not. So overall I am back to normal now.

I did my quiet time this morning. Read the chapter on "Drowning". This author seems to reference the AA program quite a bit, which is fine with me, as it gives me another reference point. I admit, my interest is up more today than it has been the last couple days about reading this book. For my Bible reading, I skimmed over the last few chapters of the OT, but nothing really stood out to me today.

My calendar is free pretty much all this week. I know I need to do the minutes from last weeks meeting, but I just haven't felt up to doing it yet. I don't see it happening today either.

PeacE

Was It A Good Time?

Yesterday I did go to the impromptu gathering of a few from my AA group. Though I had not been to this Valle Luna restaurant before, it is part of the chain, and similar to the one I would normally go to a bit closer to my home. There was about 15 of us in total (a couple brought spouses) and we had a great time. This was nice to get to know a few others, the ones I was able to talk with, on a more personal level. Also a chance to see the difference between in-person and on zoom camera. I was surprised by a couple... I was a bit surprised at this restaurant a bit. I guess when one gal had called about a reservation (if needed) they did not bother to inform her they could do separate tabs for each of us. So as we sat down, we were informed the tabs would be by table, or the whole group all together. Immediately I hear some side conversations about 'not have any cash on me' and similar, so how is everyone at a table to pay with their card? I understand a bit how the business side of it goes: large party, easier to do it this way than individual tabs.

...so I picked up the tab. For everyone in our group. The total actually came to less than what I had mentally calculated, so no problem there. I did it discretely (I thought) by letting the server know to just ring the group as a whole and bring me the tab. Well, when she came to me with the tab, everyone else was getting antsy for their 'per table' tabs, and see I just covered everyone. When asked why, I simply said, because it made it easier for everyone. There were a few that said 'I'll get you back' and a few that refused to let me pay, so gave me money towards the tip, which was fine. I finally just told everyone if they wanted to pay me back, pay it into our AA Group, as we survive on members donations only. Several said they would do that.

Why did I pick up the tab? I don't know. Financially it was not a burden at all, and it did make things easier for the server, and for us in the end. Did I have some menacing plan behind it? No. I wasn't looking for accolades and praise. I felt the urge touch my heart to do it, and it was out of my mouth before I realized what I was doing. God working through me? Maybe. I would like to think so. I wouldn't do this to be prideful (Proverbs 16:18), or to try to impress anyone. Nor try to upgrade my 'social status' with these peers. Only because I felt moved to do it. And here I am ruining it feeling the self-doubt, and possible judgement others may have towards me (positive or negative). Things to work on with God ...

I woke early today - about 5:20a. That call the bladder makes is not one I let go to voice mail, and I just couldn't get cozy back in bed. I thought, awesome! More quiet time this morning, and I utilized it. I read a chapter in the book I am reading. Today's was Day 6, and again, I felt I am not going anywhere with this book. But I do feel it is starting to get to the point, but it may be a couple more days yet. I did my random Bible-page flip and came up in Ecclesiates 7. I read through the whole chapter, as the Franklin Jensen bible has sections sub-labeled, and this one was 'Practical wisdom'. I am sure I am taking it out of context, but this verse stood out to me: 

Ecclesiastes 7:15 - I have seen everything in my days of vanity: There is a just man who perishes in his righteousness, and there is a wicked man who prolongs life in his wickedness.

The phrase "Only the good die young" keeps going through my head. As I think about that, I feel it to a degree. I shared before recently that my younger Sister was expecting a girl, and that I was to be an uncle (again). I was excited! My hang-out time with RM last Friday, I believe I even mentioned it to her. Then that evening we received bad news. She had miscarried. Saturday she was going to Indianapolis for a D&C. They took the option to hold her for a few after she was removed. A couple pictures were taken (of the babe, not anyone holding her). Obviously not being complete in growth development, the picture looks a bit ghastly, but a parent's love ... I feel so much anguish for her to have to go through this. My Daughter had miscarried a couple times before my Widget was born, but they were early enough this process did not have to happen. But my heart is in pieces at what my Sister is going through.

I think of friends that I held dear that have passed away. In fact, yesterday was my buddy Don's birthday, and he left us around 10+ years ago. And Smitty just before him. True, both were about 15 years older than I, but they were my friends.

Sigh. I am getting down in the dumps... So I will leave you with some Billy Joel. 

PeacE

Party Time!

 It's Thursday and I don't have anything on my calendar (medically) that needs to be done. But I have that 1pm  luncheon listed! It will be a different kind of experience for me, meeting a group of people I have only seen/heard through the computer. Our support fellowship will carry through I am sure, and it will be just the same as us chatting online before/after meetings. I believe I am excited more than anxious, and for me that is good.

My friend Jeff called me the other day. About a week ago was his birthday, and I had sent him a text, that he responded "thanks" to. I didn't hear back for any plans, some I was guessing he was spending the evening with family. Well he called this week, and we talked. HE wanted an update to where I am at, which I gave. He said he just went to the bar on his birthday. I said you should have called me. I can go and have soda for a couple hours... But that was then. Either way, we are going to try to meet up for lunch next week.

I did a drug test yesterday. Vial of blood and a urine sample. I am praying it shows my nicotine at 0, so my case will be reviewed next Wednesday. Worse case is I have to wait until next month for the next drug screen, and repeat. Different sources say different things about the time-frame for nicotine to not be detected on a drug screening, and also the amount you smoked can affect the results. I was a light smoker, so hopefully it will clear out of my system faster. Will wait and see.

Had a paracentesis yesterday. Drained another 10L, but had to leave fluid. I estimate by weight it is probably about 2-3 liters. I feel better today. Yesterday I was so uncomfortable from the ascites build-up, I felt fatigued (I fell asleep during the para once they had the catheter in), nausea and of course hungry, because I had to fast for the lab work just before the para. Afterwards I swung by Walgreens for the Wife's prescriptions, then CVS for my special order one, then to Subway, where I had ordered through the app, then home. That sub was so good after not eating all day.

In my quiet time this morning I reached chapter 5 in this book. I was starting to lose interest in this book because it felt like it was going stagnant. But I guess that was just the "intro section (5 chapters of it?) as now it looks like it is moving along to 'Step One'.

And with that, I am outta here!

PeacE

Feeling Pretty Miserable

 The past couple of days I have begun to feel uncomfortable. The build-up of the ascites feels like more than usual this week. I do go this afternoon for a Paracentesis, where I am quite positive they will drain 10L and leave fluid in the abdomen area. It's becoming the story of my Life, at least it feels that way at times. We could create a calendar system based off my paras.

I also have a blood draw/urine test today. Mayo gave me the orders yesterday for the drug screening, and I have only 48 hours to schedule and complete, otherwise they count it as a "positive" result. I don't want that!! So mine is scheduled at 11:30a right next to the Banner I go to for the paras, and I set the time to allow me to get from one building to the next (parking) and make my 1pm para. I am so bloated.... the Wife has started pregnancy jokes.

Tomorrow will be an interesting day. My AA Home group is doing an impromptu luncheon at Valle Luna. They usually do a luncheon once every quarter, but this one isn't the sanctioned one. What is nice, is that they invited me. They even said it was by invite only... Does that mean I am part of the 'Cool Club' now? I don't know, and if that turns out to be what it seems to be, I'll remove myself. I don't want to put myself separate from others - we are all in the same boot about sobriety. Not one of us is better/higher than another. I used to really dislike having to go to events where you "know" no one, and you have to go around and introduce yourself, etc. I found out over the past few months, it isn't so bad. And these people already know me through the Zoom meetings, it will just be an in-person meeting. The best part is it is more on my side of town, and fairly close to home.

I slept in an extra hour this morning, and I feel better for it. Yesterday I was feeling so bad, I actually took a 3-hour nap in the afternoon. Hoping with this extra sleep, the draining today, that things will get back to where they were where I was not so tired. It is still three weeks to the TIPS procedure for me. Sigh.

I have been reading of a morning in my quiet time the book 'Restore'. Today I read chapter three, and it was sort of about control. Trying to control people through your image, or works. How we "fire" God because we have control of things. I had to re-read a couple sections of it. In my mind, it kept flashing a neon sign sign saying "Not Needed" as I felt the chapter didn't really do anything but give examples, then say one needs to let God have control, not you. It was like 4-5 pages of repetition and nonsense to me. I hope the remaining parts of the book are not this way, because it started off pretty good. And this is strictly my opinion.

Welp, I need to figure out what 'flashy' shirt I am wearing today. Already got a pair of the shorts RM bought me. They are elastic waisted so work great for when I go to have paras. Got a hair cut a couple days ago. I'm starting to look pretty good, if I could get rid of this huge belly and keep it away.

And with that, I am out of here ....

PeacE

Proverbs 16:18-19

 I'm 'off-schedule' a bit this morning. When the alarm went off at 7am, I was still feeling sleepy tired, so laid there in bed. I dozed off (as expected) but woke after about 20 minutes. Then I decided it was time to get up. I feel more awake than I did without that cat nap, and hoping it carries through the day, not getting so tired like I have been lately.

Today's post title is somewhat intentional, yet, unintentional at the same time. How can it be both? Well, while doing my quiet time this morning I read chapter 3 of 'Restore' and as one of the things that I do, is grab my Bible, whisper a prayer to guide me with the Word, then open it randomly. That's no way to study the Bible! Well, I'm not studying it (at this time) I am just looking for some small bit that points me in the direction I need to go that day. It could be a fault I need to work on, it could be better worship habits, etc. Today's excursion took me to this verse selection from Proverbs (I read all of chapter 16 and these stood out). There is even a story attached to it.

If you don't know, several months ago I had some issues with the Director of my VFW Riders Chapter. Basically it was my (and other members) dissatisfaction from this Director's way of wanting to do things, and several of them were definitely out of procedural order, or the process the VFW uses to process, etc. I felt a little bad about it, but I had gone to our Post Commander and explained my concerns. After a couple months, the Director stepped down (to our relief) due to "personal reasons". He is currently still a member of our Chapter, and offers up some good advice and ideas, which I do listen to. It was all about how he wanted to do things that I disagreed with.

Last night was our scheduled Riders meeting. Things went fine. After the meeting, he approaches me, and we start talking about some of the flyers he sends me to forward to everyone. Mostly different rides around the Valley. I only send out certain ones (usually because of the charity). Then he mentions that he contacted J.M. (President of AZ Riders) and invited him to come to our next meeting at the Post. I turned and faced him. To make sure there was no mistake, I made eye contact. "M. though I like the idea, and your initiative to 'get it done', you are NOT the Director, and therefore should not be making official requests without approval from Leadership, mainly my self and the current Director. This is in regards to ANY communications, of an official capacity. IF you are friends just chatting about the status of the Riders, or ideas that would be nice - fine. But this is not that, and I request that you reach out to us with the idea, and we may have you be the contact."

His mouth dropped open. "Kapish?" I asked. He stood there flapping his gob with no sound, then grudgingly said he understood, and that I was right. At that exact moment, I felt some disappointment, more that I should have to chastise a person that should know this stuff, yet continues to bypass as he sees fit. On my way home a short bit later, I realized more of what had happened, and I got a bit giddy. I put him in his place! I actually 'shut him up'! It's about time he got his hand slapped for going overboard! All these type of thoughts were rolling across my mind.

Getting ready for bed last night, I shared with the Wife what had happened. I even admitted that I know it was wrong to feel the Pride I did in this encounter. I wanted to brag! I wanted people that know what has been going on, know about it. It'll be, 'Remember back when Ralph set that guy straight?!' I told the Wife I felt prideful, and I know it is wrong to be that way, but it is still there. She had no advice for me. SO this morning I have placed this issue before God. I'll not speak of it again, except to share with the current Director, so he is informed of the possible visit, as well as what happened.

    "Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before the fall. Better to be of a humble spirit with the lonely than to divide the spoil with the Proud."

Okay, I am out of here. I do have a draining tomorrow, as well as a drug test (found out this morning). I wonder if 2 weeks is long enough to show 0 for  nicotine....

PeacE

A Nice Weekend ...

 ... was had by myself. I don't include anyone else in it, as it is my feelings and I am not forcing everyone else to believe they had a nice weekend just because they were doing similar things as I. I spent a couple hours Saturday morning with my meetings. I have been invited to a non-regular luncheon for Thursday with my AA Home Group. It is supposed to be about 10 people or so, but I think that list has grown some more. I'm not worried. I have been meeting with many of these people for a few months now. Plus, it is at Valle Luna over on Cave Creek. Who doesn't like some good Mexican food? I did realize last night though, that I would miss the Mayo Transplant support group due to the timing of the luncheon. Oh well. Sometimes being with people 'in person' is better.

I blew off the Agenda yesterday, so that means I need to get it done this morning. I will work on it as soon as I am done here. I don't think there will be much to add/change, so shouldn't take long.

Hmmm. I can't seem to come up with anything I need to write about, so I'll just leave this here.

PeacE

Staying Focused

 Things are 'off' this morning. Actually, it has been most of this last week. I have been becoming sleepy at odd times, even when I feel I slept good the night before. Most days it starts about 5pm, but some days it has been random through the day. I try not to take a nap so that I will sleep good that evening, but my body disagrees. I will nod off - in my office chair, on the bed, whatever. I went to the Post last night, thinking of hanging with friends. I was feeling this sleepy feeling. While sitting at the bar, playing a game on my tablet, I nodded off - twice. I decided it was time to go home. My friends hadn't shown up anyways. I did go to bed about an hour earlier than normal, and feel well rested this morning, just mentally foggy. 

It could be the HE (Hepatic Encephalopathy) might be increasing a bit since the ascites has - which could mean the meds I take for that may need to be adjusted. My guess is they will just wait until after the TIPS Procedure, because that is supposed to affect this and more. Good or bad, won't know until it happens, but usually most are good (from what I was told, and heard from others). That's still about three weeks out ... Glad my next Para isn't. I am bloated up big again this week already, and with them only being allowed to drain 10L, I know there will be fluid left again. Oh Lord I pray that the TIPS will work and drastically cut down on the ascites build-up.

Heard some bad news from my little Sissy the other night. She is 12 years younger than I, and everyone (including her I think) were surprised when she ended up pregnant a few months ago. She is 42ish, and our first concerning thought was the age factor and delivering/having a baby. Technology has advanced enough, that 42 shouldn't be bad, as long as everyone stays healthy. Well, Friday they found out she had miscarried. Yesterday, they went to Indianapolis to have the D&C done, because the baby was that far along. I cannot imagine how she feels, but I know I am grieving. I was happily telling RM on Friday during our visit that I was proud to be an Uncle again... I don't know the whole name they had picked out, but we knew it was going to be a girl, and her first name was going to be River.

Today is ... Day 11? of no smoking. I'm starting to lose track of the day count as we go along. Still getting urges, especially around areas where I used to smoke. Last night, I vaguely remembering having a dream/vision of smoking (more than I did in real life) and it was okay to do so even with my liver issues. I was like a comic character with the cigar stub in the corner of the mouth, and like 6 cigarettes in different phases of being smoked in the rest of the mouth, giving some kind of evil grin. No idea what brought that on, but I remember it.

I'm a bit worried about RM this morning. I guess Friday her vehicle wouldn't start. From her description, and even her deduction, it was the battery, and it needed to be charged. The Youngest has this issue with his car occasionally because he doesn't get out and drive much, or start/run it for a bit every few days. Either way, as RM took it to the repair place they go, she noticed her A/C wasn't working either. Time goes on, they go back to pick it up, and the A/C still is not working. I guess she has to take it back in on Monday and leave it for them to figure it out. Weird that it would suddenly quit working with a battery issue. But I am worried about her, as any driving that now needs to be done, will be PT, and even RM mentioned just the drive to the services for a friend that passed, she was terrified by his driving. Prayers to her these next few days until she gets her car back. She is already thinking of ways to get stuff done, but without the need for PT to drive them. Like probably watching their church service on youtoob, versus actually going. Stay strong RM!!

The only thing I really need to complete today is the agenda for the Riders meeting tomorrow. From what I remember from last month, there won't be much on there, so shouldn't take long. Then I'll have to find things to keep my entertained. When I finish this, I'll be grabbing up my book and reading some of it, and spend a little time with God. Probably do my Home AA group at 11am. More than likely it will be a video game in there too. 

PeacE

Let's See What Falls Out of my Gob today ...

 Yesterday I woke about 45 minutes before my alarm went off. I went ahead and got up, as I had plans that morning, and I might as well get things done. Around 7:30 I headed to the City of Sin to visit RM while PT was out of the house. I always enjoy sitting down and catching up with Mom, even though most of the major daily events we share through our blogs, but here we have time to talk in more detail about things happening. We chatted and I drank my iced tea (I love Mom has tea for me seemingly all the time). Around 11:00 or so, PT stumbled home (almost literally) and I visited just a little more. By then Mom and I had moved to the kitchen (from her "work room") and she was making some cookies (oatmeal raisin). Of course we each got a warm one from the first batch, and it was so nice and gooey! I finally excused myself near noon, as I had set the groceries to be picked up between 12-1.

Swung through El Pollo Loco for lunch. I love their queso guac chicken burrito, and the Youngest likes their new loaded queso chicken quesadilla. And a large horchata drink for me. Unloaded all but the soda I bought, and decided I had a couple hours or so before I needed to start dinner. Then I played video games. Around 4pm I started up the makings for baked ziti in the crockpot. By 7:30, it was ready for the last 30 minutes of cooking (where I add the pasta and cheese) and I did. It was SO. GOOD. Everyone liked it, said to keep it for future easy dinners. I'll send over the recipe to RM this morning, as she stated she loves baked ziti, and let her know of any changes/substitutions I used.

Nothing much to do this weekend. I need to work on the Riders agenda tomorrow, for Monday's meeting. I have a couple hours this morning to hit up both my AA groups online. Then it will be video games, I am sure. I shared a post on FB to my Wife that the discount grocery we like to shop at has 'restocked the freezers' and one picture showed many bags of Sonic tater tots. I jokingly threw out that I love Sonic's tots, and we should get some. The Middle Son's girlfriend made a comment she would be up for going along with us to the grocery, bringing along Doc, the grandson, if we were willing to pick her up. It would give the Son some extra time to sleep (he works nights). I did verify that the Wife saw it, but do not know what she will want to do today. I'm all for letting her go with the girlfriend, but I do want to see my grandson. Decisions, decisions.

I finished up 'Day One' in my new book. The last couple pages were a bit repetitive to me, as it talks about 'naming our demons' (admitting our faults) which is Step 1 in the AA program. This book may contain many similarities, as it seems many times, this 12-step program layout works very well. I'll just grit my teeth and move along, even if I feel I've read a section before (from the AA Big Book) because if I just learn one thing in this reading, that will help my relationship with God, it will be worth it.

Heavy thoughts this morning.... I need to finish up my "quiet time" and get a couple emails sent this morning before the meetings. Y'all have a good one!

PeacE

I'll Do What I Want ...

 .. used to be my attitude over a year ago. Whether it was going to the store, or going to the bar, or what excuse am I using this time to get out to drink. I see what a narcissist I used to be. Controlling, demanding, 'me-first'... That has all been changing this past 10 months, and I have not heard one complaint about it. Sure, I don't see people I once hung out with daily, but at the same time, I am not tempted by drink. Plus, if they were true friends they would understand and support me through this journey.

Sigh. Just felt I had to get that off my chest.

RM shared yesterday about their jaunt down to see PT's doctor. I, of course, shared with the Wife, who, like me, found it somewhat funny in a non-laughing way. Honestly, there isn't much to say, or laugh, about the situation. I have used a cane for years, originally for my knees and back pains, but with the large weight-loss, and other medical, it is more for balance now. I don't know why, or how, someone could be so prideful as to NOT want to prevent falls, just because using a cane, or in this case a walker, under doctor's orders. PT just doesn't want to be seen as old, even though he is 89. <shaking head> I just don't get it.

I'm up a little early this morning. Not like last night - but still early. I was laying in bed in that 'comfy zone' just slowly going over some things in my head. The Wife's alarm went off, and I decided I might as well get up. I need to move up my morning routine, as I am headed to Sin City, I mean Sun City, to visit with RM this morning. It's a morning of the week PT is out of the house to as late as 11:30am. I don't know how busy she may be for work, but I texted her last night I was "thinking" of coming by this morning (pre-warning) and RM replied 'Yea! Keep thinking'. I took it to mean yes, still plan on coming by, but thought this morning it could have been sarcastic (my Mother? Never!) like saying "as if". I did put a timer on my visit. I do have a pick-up at Fry's today near my house for between 12-1pm.

It is a Friday night. The Youngest has made supper the past couple of nights, which is always good tasting and very much appreciated. I have been slacking, and not keeping up with my personal goal of doing at least one supper per week, to help a bit. So, yesterday I spent a couple hours looking around the interwebz for recipes for the crockpot and came across a few good ones. Out of those, I singled it down to one for tonight, then ordered the groceries I would need for it. Going to try a baked ziti.

Nothing on the calendar this weekend. I do need to get the Riders Agenda done and sent out. Our meeting is Monday night, then I'm done with meetings until next month. I added three more paracentesis appointments through 8/19 for now, and will see how the TIPS Works after that date. I may set more appts in a couple weeks, just in case I need them.

Okay, I need to do a couple more things before getting on the drive to visit RM...

PeacE

Talk About Being Up Early ...

 Mr. Bladder woke me at 1:05am this morning. This is a normal occurrence, at least the getting up a couple times in the night. But today is a bit different.

Having the Para yesterday does wear me out a bit, and last night, as we were doing pre-bed routine (which means me on my tablet playing a game or two) I started nodding off a bit early. I gave up fighting it and crashed - and woke at 1am wide awake. I figure if I watch an hour or so of dumb videos or something, I'll get tired again (which I will at any point) and then return to bed. Overall, right now I feel a bit worn out still, but otherwise fine.

I try to update the people that need to know, about my medical stuff. Usually it just a quick test to my family chat group, and to my Sister, Brother and RM chat group. Just quick things like yesterday's paracentesis - how much drained, my weight, etc. I think it was back in December or so, That RM mentioned my Uncle L (her side of the family) had been asking about how I was doing, and I decided to create a basic document that I add updates to about monthly. This I send out to other family (more distant family (uncles/aunts, etc.) after thinking about it. Aside from my blog here, I don't share on any social platform my medical stuff. I figure I will tell who needs to know, and who don't need to know, well, the are SOL. My point is, this morning (already!) I had a reply from my Uncle L (whom I email the updates at RM's request) just saying they are thinking good thoughts for me, and are behind me in this stage of my life. It was kind of just a generic one-liner, but coming from him, it meant a bit more. We were never 'close' as I grew up - living with my Dad prevented a lot of that with RM's family. So even despite that 'gap' he has always inquired after us kids when he talks to RM. Don't know where I am going with this now, but just know it was sort of touching for me. I gave a quick reply to acknowledge it, that he will probably see in just a couple hours (he's back in Indiana).

Need to call today and set a couple more Para appointments to cover the time before getting the TIPS done. Next week, or the week after, I'll call for 2-3 weeks appointments after the TIPS, just in case it isn't working as well. It will take a bit of time to see any changes that are going to last. Here's hoping for the scenario where I don't have to do Paras at all! But I ain't holding my breath. It's one of those Serenity Prayer things - like many other things right now. 'Accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference'. 

Okay, well, I ran out of anything in my head to ramble about, so have a nice day.

PeacE

Pre-Warning: It's Loaded and Ready to Fire!

 Since last year ... around July I think it was, I started getting an umbilical hernia. Yep. Just like it sounds. A type of hernia at the 'belly button'. In my case, it was a result of the build-up of ascites in my abdomen (before I found out). Well, over the last year this hernia has gotten slightly larger. It protrudes like a bubble right at the umbilical site. Currently, it has gotten to where if I cup my palm, and lay over the hernia, it fills my hand. I did see a specialist about it back in October. He said it is nothing to majorly worry about. Since I was having liver issues, that when they do a transplant, they are easily able to fix 'while they are in there'. There is no fluid seepage, and no pain, so no emergency to treat it. I'm okay with that, expect now it is like a stubby cannon ready to fire - like those fire hoses on the river boats for the Fire Dept.

Well, speaking of fluid build-up, it is Para Time again today. I got the primo time of 9am this morning. I feel like we are going to hit that 10L max drain limit, and leave fluid in there again ... but I am so uncomfortable right now. I mentioned to the Wife last night that I am actually anxious - excited anxious, not the worry one - to get the TIPS done. IF it is able to help this issue ....

One of the books I ordered finally arrived yesterday. It is 'Restore' by Vince Antonucci. RM has just finished it, or is near the end, and has shared some days with references to this book. It looks like a 30 day devotional (and it may be) but not having started it yet, depending on the length of the chapters, I may do one, or split it. Either way, reading the cover synopsis, and the chapter list has me excited to start it. I have a little time before I leave for my Para, so I am going to read now.

Okay, I am back! Just home from the hospital getting the Para. Drained 10L, left some fluid. Seems this is going to be the weekly thing now until I do the TIPS procedure 8/13. So I am feeling a bit drained (see what I did there?) and tired. Always am after these for a day or two. No other big news to share.

I started on 'Restore', and I admit, at the beginning it is a bit hard to put down. Almost done with Day One, and I had to stop for the appointment. Maybe I won't do it as a devotional, but just read and make notes daily.

And that's all I got. I need to eat my lunch from El Pollo Loco!

PeacE

Sometimes, Being an Kid is *NOT* Fun ...

 ... as you read that title, I am sure y'all thinking I messed it up. It's supposed to 'adulting ain't fun'. But I had to change it to fit my situation. I would much rather be out working a job, then having to figure out what to do with myself all day. Video games get tiring, and I am able to only read so much right now. I get social interaction at meetings (generally at the VFW). I have been trying to NOT drive round as much, preparing myself for when I hand my keys over (for a temporary time). But all said and done, by the end of the day, I am still just tired.

I felt almost like I had every single doctor I have seen regarding my liver, or their office, called yesterday. First was me calling Mayo as they had left a message about scheduling some lab work. Seems they had me as 'Missed' on 6/24 for the Urine Sample. I explained what happened (blood draw on floor 6, urine on 1? Then back to 6? No, the gal that drew the blood had me do the urine sample). They were going to follow up on their end.

AZ Liver called - the "specialist" that referred me to Mayo. That office wanted me to schedule some lab work to come in and let them draw blood. I said no. I explained to the gal that that Dr. had told me, and I quote, "Now that Mayo is involved, we will let them handle things". If you want results from a lab, call Mayo. I have authorized release of that information for all the doctor's involved. They were to 'let him know' and I have yet to be called back.

Banner Hospital called. This is my usual one that is nothing more than a waste of time. They were calling to go over the information in my file (insurance, address, ER contacts) even though I just did in person and by phone every prior week. This time it was for the two Paras I have scheduled this week and next. I explained to her, that my eligibility, out of pocket, deductible with my insurance was all met (she would see if she looked I just verified ((AGAIN)) a week ago. I am on a payment plan for the hospital balance (almost down to $0 finally). I am current with all info they need. As usual, I was put on hold while they 'ran my insurance to prepare an estimated patient cost, and when she came back, I got the same thing as always - I am unable to check with your insurance right now, May we call you later once we verify. I told her, don't bother calling. I know where it is and the status. Update your records as you feel you need, but don't call me back as it is a waste of time for both of us. Then I asked her, In the past 6-7 months that I have been in the hospital darn near weekly, could it happen that your department calling me (almost every week) it is always someone different. Is your department that big, or is the turnover rate that high. She couldn't answer me, but she said she would note that. I expect to hear from them again in two weeks.

It wasn't yesterday, but here recently, I found out my PCP is leaving NOAH. This is a neighborhood outreach clinic I have been going to for several years now. This is the 4th physician I have been through at this location. So my appointment pre-scheduled for October (for the last Hep A and Hep B shots) needed to be cancelled and an appointment made sooner, just so I could meet the "new" doctor that I will be assigned to. Okay, I got that. I did schedule an appt for late September. I also told them they better keep the one in October, as it has been planned for at least 2-3 months now. Who knows what they have done, and I am leery of checking my patient portal with them for scheduled appointments.

Well, now I have wasted at least a couple minutes of your time with my medical blues, and I have no funny incident to share. Had a "storm" come through last night. Lots of wind and dust. I hate that they call it a 'haboob' here in AZ. That is a huge desert storm, not the wall of dust that blows into the Valley. Oh man, I'll be sneezing and crap now for a few days - thanks allergies.

PeacE

One Of Us Ain't Smart ...

 I am a little tired this morning. Seems like I was up at least five (maybe more) times during the night to go to the potty. No sitting down, but the liquid drainage ... I don't get how sometimes the meds just like kick into overdrive and work. I peed. I peed again. And again, and again. And who knows how many times in all. I remember thinking during one episode of standing there, draining, that the sleep function on this smart ring is going to show my schedule as all mixed up being up so many times during the night. Nope. It says I had a 97% optimal night. On the visual graph, it does show some shifting from deep to light cycles that were frequent and close together. Maybe that was the bathroom trips? Either way, it says I slept good, but here I am feeling tired.

I think I mentioned in the past couple days that my calendar this week is pretty open. I only have a birthday on it, and my VFW Aux meeting. I do need to call Mayo here in a bit. Friday late in the day they sent a message through the portal, saying something about needing labs done ( I already did the 'monthly' recently) and I needed to schedule. Usually they just schedule them and I concur. So is this a tox screen (I'm about due this month) where generally they send me the Dr's orders, and I can go to a separate lab facility. I don't know. Replies weren't allowed to that message (idiots) so now I have to call. On a Monday morning. At 8am. Wonder how long I will be on hold ...

Today is Day 5 of no cigarettes. Most of the urge has gone. I did have a slight craving yesterday afternoon, as I felt like having one while taking a quick break from my video game I was playing. But easily distracted from the thoughts. Been coughing a bit more, with phlegm occasionally coming up. I am sure it is the lungs and esophagus getting rid of 'crap' from smoking. It should stop in a few days, according to what I read. It may be early, and I don't want to jinx myself, but I think I got this one beat now as well. 

RM is securing multiple lunch dates with me, it seems. If you read her blog, you'll know she is someone that loves to give. She will go out and buy it (within reason) if she knows you need/want it, just to bring a person some happiness. Sometimes it is stuff one never mentioned. Well, lately, I have been the recipient of some things. There was a 4-pack of shorts with a gym-type adjustable waist, that look like cargo shorts. I don't know why she got them (PT? But he didn't care for them?) but I said I would try them. They fit good, and are wonderful when I go in for my Paras. No suspenders/straps/belts to deal with. She always sends some veggies home with the Wife when she does her Farmer's market thing. Knowing I like to make pickles every now and then, Friday she gifted me a lid sealer for jars. Said she got two of them before asking me if I could use one. I had replied not really, but she already had it. I do have a few jars here, and I admit, I am sort of curious how well it works. So I asked how much it was - I don't know. So I said something like, it must be the price of a lunch date with me then. If so, that'd be like 2-3 lunches I owe her. Now it is just the matter of finding a day to do them.

Welp, it is 8am, and I need to call Mayo, so I am outta here...

PeacE

Doing It Differently ...

 When it comes to doing things, everyone has their own style. Many times, it is the same as 'everyone else' as it is the best way to accomplish what that goal is. Many times it is a 'forced change' to purposely create a new viewpoint/way of doing that same thing, done the same way, day after day. Yesterday's meeting at the Post is a prime example.

It was on my calendar as a District 3 Training Day. Usually, that has the Post members meeting in the hall, and the Aux. in the canteen. We'd do a 1-hour training on something specific: a recent change to a form, or maybe some protocol changes. Then move into our regular meetings for District. Somewhere down the line, it was decided to do Joint Trainings for the District. That is putting the Post and Aux. together, to train each other the programs we each do, areas where we could use the help of the other, etc. The first one started off with the Aux. explaining the Programs we are accountable for, and how the Post is able to assist, as well use the same event to complete some of their program requirements. Either way, I find myself liking this much more than the training before. We should be working hand-in-hand, and not 'fighting each other' over events, etc. Personally, I did not 'learn' much of anything, as most of the information was Aux. stuff, and I already was aware of it. Our meeting in January should be interesting, as it will be the Post doing the same for the Aux. Obviously, the hope is to create a more family environment, to stop any division/rift between the two VSOs. I like it.

Changes. Sometimes they are good ones, and sometimes not. I know personally, changes have seemed the only thing I have done since September. I became sober (10 months now!). medical issues have made changes to the body (good and bad), medications changes symptoms, decisions on lifestyles have changed. Having to have a transplant, doing the TIPs procedure, healthier and controlled diet - all these are ongoing and are good changes, once they happen. What are some other changes? There is a list of them. I think the ones that top the list as my favorites: 1) sobriety; 2) quit smoking (today is Day 4, and going strong!); 3) better, controlled diet; 4) rebuilding relationships I damaged with family and friends; 5) rebuilding a relationship with God. There are many more, and these few examples are not in order of favoritism, but just what popped into my head at the time.

Smoking. Whew! Day 4, and I am still going strong. The first day, I refused to leave the house - literally. The fear that I would be tempted to stop somewhere and buy another a pack was so big in my mind... Day 2 I felt a bit better, but that was Friday, and I had to go to the Post. Knowing where the smoking patio was made some temptation come up to bum a smoke from someone, but I busied myself in the kitchen, working on the dinner. Day 3, yesterday, had to be at the Post again, but this time there were no temptations of the smoking area. No desires to stop somewhere and get a pack. Have I picked up on some weird habits in this short time? Not really. I have been craving soda more, and picked some more up. It'll be at least another week or more before I start seeing some healthy changes of not smoking (breathing easier, less coughing, etc.). I am just keeping on doing the good things I know I can do, and that is that.

Friday night at dinner (RM & PT had come as usual) I was sort of not nice. I kept making jabs at PT about things I know he is sensitive about doing or discussing. I was talking more to RM than him (as usual) and was mentioning about the probability of giving up my car keys. The TIPS procedure could have an effect of increasing my encephalopathy, and one really shouldn't drive with this condition. You hear those Silver Alerts for people with dementia in their older age, and how they just drive off somewhere. This is similar. I was even mentioning about just giving up my keys now, though I really haven't had any episodes but one (Wife caught it). I would look over and say something like 'Even at my younger age I probably will be giving up my car keys so I don't hurt anyone'. It went completely over his head. No rection. I am not even sure he heard me. Another time I made a comment about an Old Folks table, and he hmm'ed/haw'ed saying something like he wasn't old. My goodness man! You're 89 years old! You ARE old. Another jab was about how he said he does like the Chair Tai Chi, and I said something like 'Isn't that hard to do from a reclining position in your easy chair with you eyes shut? He grumbled about that one. In short, I was mean, on purpose. I should apologize. I know I should. But I don't want to. Problems to take to God ...

And with that, I am getting off the ol' bloggo. Nothing on the calendar today, so figure I may be playing games all day - unless the Wife decides it is Honey-Do time. Ugh.

PeacE

Short and Sweet

 Not much to share today. I have a District 3 VFW training to attend to this morning at my Post. I am in the middle of making sure I have every thing I need to bring in my portable office. Even if I am only an Asst. Secretary to my Aux Post, I try to assist a little at the District meetings as well. For example, it is a small thing, but I provide a sign in sheet, properly titled for the type of meeting, and the date. Our own Secretary has mentioned to me that even just for our Post, this is so much better than just a blank sheet with names scrawled willy-nilly on it. A little organization, ya know?

This next week is pretty free of events. I do have a Para scheduled for Wednesday, and the regular Aux meeting on Tuesday evening ... and that is it. Oh, and my Step-Mom's birthday is Tuesday as well. Though she and I have had some 'bad times' between us back when I was about 12 and Dad had passed, she didn't stop me from leaving to go live with RM. As I became an adult and learned some of Life's lessons, she has never failed to let me (and my family) visit  my little sister. Our relationship has grown, as both of us overcame issues we have had, and I respect and admire her quite a bit. She has fought cancer, debilitating mental issues and extreme grief - most at the same time - so who wouldn't seeing someone that has overcame.

RM's birthday is next month, too. I have no clue as to what to get her. If I ask, I'm told nothing, or gift cards for Amazon. I know most people want to give a gift that has some meaning to relationship with that person, or that the birthday person is "into" like a hobby. She likes that diamond art. Wish I had a good picture of my family to have a kit made for her. I have a couple weeks before I have to have something, at least ordered. I know, she's going to say don't bother for her sake ... but c'mon! It's RM!

With that I need to sign-off, finish getting ready for my meeting/training.

PeacE

I'm Drawing A Blank ...

 My head is pretty empty this morning. I went through the morning routine, well, up to this point anyways. Did my vitals, did my meds, checked the ol' email box. Placed an order for pickup this afternoon for tonight. Aside from the Dinner tonight, I have nothing on my calendar for today.

Riders Dinner tonight. This will be our last monthly one, and we will move to Quarterly with the next being in October. We will bring back the Soup Night that has gone over well the last couple times we have done it. I am picking up some Southern style Potato salad, plus I already got the buns and BBQ sauces. 

Okay, I'm going to gripe a bit. I enjoy being a part of the VFW Riders (even though I do not personally ride a motorcycle). I have not minded (overly) being the Secretary for the past couple years (a thankless job no one wants), but I am getting kind of fed up and tired of the Chapter. No one attends meetings except about 7-8 of us; the same group that are getting burned out doing the dinners. Trying to put some kind of ride together is next to impossible. If we were to just tell the members 'this is what we're doing' they would follow like sheep, but to create something on their own, or even in a meeting - impossible it seems. Plus the changes coming down the line. Late July there is to be a vote that will brings the Riders into the group as a 'Sister' organization to the VFW and Auxiliary, rather than just a 'committee under the Post'. Which will be a Treasurer's and Secretary's nightmare of paperwork. From setting up bank accounts, EINs, 501(c), bond requirements, and on and on. There are some good aspects coming out of the deal though also. Officer positions are able to be held by non-Post members (like Aux) and they want to bring in a unified patch. Right ow we have a patch for the Post members, and a separate one for the Aux members. Anyway, enough on that for now ... I'm starting to get heated up. Save that rant for another time.

Welp, I have taken a bathroom break, and sat here for a bit pondering where to lead this train-wreck, and am not coming up with anything. Catch you on the Flipped Side!

PeacE