Was It A Good Time?

Yesterday I did go to the impromptu gathering of a few from my AA group. Though I had not been to this Valle Luna restaurant before, it is part of the chain, and similar to the one I would normally go to a bit closer to my home. There was about 15 of us in total (a couple brought spouses) and we had a great time. This was nice to get to know a few others, the ones I was able to talk with, on a more personal level. Also a chance to see the difference between in-person and on zoom camera. I was surprised by a couple... I was a bit surprised at this restaurant a bit. I guess when one gal had called about a reservation (if needed) they did not bother to inform her they could do separate tabs for each of us. So as we sat down, we were informed the tabs would be by table, or the whole group all together. Immediately I hear some side conversations about 'not have any cash on me' and similar, so how is everyone at a table to pay with their card? I understand a bit how the business side of it goes: large party, easier to do it this way than individual tabs.

...so I picked up the tab. For everyone in our group. The total actually came to less than what I had mentally calculated, so no problem there. I did it discretely (I thought) by letting the server know to just ring the group as a whole and bring me the tab. Well, when she came to me with the tab, everyone else was getting antsy for their 'per table' tabs, and see I just covered everyone. When asked why, I simply said, because it made it easier for everyone. There were a few that said 'I'll get you back' and a few that refused to let me pay, so gave me money towards the tip, which was fine. I finally just told everyone if they wanted to pay me back, pay it into our AA Group, as we survive on members donations only. Several said they would do that.

Why did I pick up the tab? I don't know. Financially it was not a burden at all, and it did make things easier for the server, and for us in the end. Did I have some menacing plan behind it? No. I wasn't looking for accolades and praise. I felt the urge touch my heart to do it, and it was out of my mouth before I realized what I was doing. God working through me? Maybe. I would like to think so. I wouldn't do this to be prideful (Proverbs 16:18), or to try to impress anyone. Nor try to upgrade my 'social status' with these peers. Only because I felt moved to do it. And here I am ruining it feeling the self-doubt, and possible judgement others may have towards me (positive or negative). Things to work on with God ...

I woke early today - about 5:20a. That call the bladder makes is not one I let go to voice mail, and I just couldn't get cozy back in bed. I thought, awesome! More quiet time this morning, and I utilized it. I read a chapter in the book I am reading. Today's was Day 6, and again, I felt I am not going anywhere with this book. But I do feel it is starting to get to the point, but it may be a couple more days yet. I did my random Bible-page flip and came up in Ecclesiates 7. I read through the whole chapter, as the Franklin Jensen bible has sections sub-labeled, and this one was 'Practical wisdom'. I am sure I am taking it out of context, but this verse stood out to me: 

Ecclesiastes 7:15 - I have seen everything in my days of vanity: There is a just man who perishes in his righteousness, and there is a wicked man who prolongs life in his wickedness.

The phrase "Only the good die young" keeps going through my head. As I think about that, I feel it to a degree. I shared before recently that my younger Sister was expecting a girl, and that I was to be an uncle (again). I was excited! My hang-out time with RM last Friday, I believe I even mentioned it to her. Then that evening we received bad news. She had miscarried. Saturday she was going to Indianapolis for a D&C. They took the option to hold her for a few after she was removed. A couple pictures were taken (of the babe, not anyone holding her). Obviously not being complete in growth development, the picture looks a bit ghastly, but a parent's love ... I feel so much anguish for her to have to go through this. My Daughter had miscarried a couple times before my Widget was born, but they were early enough this process did not have to happen. But my heart is in pieces at what my Sister is going through.

I think of friends that I held dear that have passed away. In fact, yesterday was my buddy Don's birthday, and he left us around 10+ years ago. And Smitty just before him. True, both were about 15 years older than I, but they were my friends.

Sigh. I am getting down in the dumps... So I will leave you with some Billy Joel. 

PeacE

...

Friday was a long day. Not only did my regular job take a bit longer, that night I was covering a shift for one of the bouncers at the pub.Friday was also the day my buddy Don took a turn to the worse. Seems his health had deteriorated so bad that day, they moved him to hospice that evening. A couple people I knew had been in to see him, and told me how bad he looked, and that I should get there to see him. But I had to finish work first. All night I debated with myself, if I should go see him or not. Word was he was incoherent due to the morphine. By then end of the shift came, I had decided I would go, and I got there about 3 am.

Fifty minutes later, he passed away. Was he hanging on, waiting for me to get there? I don't know. His girlfriend said she believes it, and it just makes me feel guilty. To think he held on waiting for me, so because I hadn't gone and seen him sooner, everyone, including himself, had to suffer? I don't like to think that.

I spent most of the weekend with my family, avoiding having to deal with people. Though Sunday I did go down to the pub to watch the Redskins win (a win for Don!) and saw a few people there. Dread going into work today. Don had gotten me this job, and he had been with this company several years. Many of the techs he has worked with for even longer with other companies, through mergers, etc. I have a feeling, that prior to getting to start my route, it is going to be a long day. I'm trying to time it so I am not early (like usual) and right on time, to avoid as much extra chatter as possible.

Have I dealt with all my grief? Probably not. I just don't want to be dealing with it in public.

PeacE