Wow! You readers are getting alot from me today!

Some more humor passed along to me. I didn't want to wait until tomorrow to post it, so enjoy!

A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over
at him and asks THE question.

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'

WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'
HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'

WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'
HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

WIFE: 'You would?' (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'
HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.'

WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'
HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'

WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'
HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.'

WI FE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'
HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do'

WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'
HUSBAND : 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'

WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: 'Yes, those are always good times.'

WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: 'No, she's left-handed.'

WIFE: -- silence ------
HUSBAND: 'Shit.'

It's amazing what you can learn in E-mail!!

For those that don't know about history...
Here is a condensed version...

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.

That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men or wussies. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth; the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

A few modern liberals like Mexican light beer (with lime added), but most prefer a chilled glass of Sauvignon Blanc, with passion fruit and kiwi aromas which are marked by grassy notes, then rounded out on the midpalate by peach flavors. Crisp and refreshing, with a hint of chalky minerality on the finish; or Perrier bottled water. They eat raw fish but dislike beef. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, Ivy League professors, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated-hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink Sam Adams, Harpoon IPA or Yuengling Lager. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal might have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

Something to do ...

Stolen from Groanin’ Jock:

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car) Pumpkin Saturn – just in time for Halloween?

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie) Vanilla White Chocolate Macadamian Nut – say that one 5 times fast!

3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name) R-Smi – that is screwed up trying to pronounce

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) Black Tasmanian Devil – Could be Black Taz for short.

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born) Arvine Danville – yes, we are a bit snooty

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first) Smi Ra – my forefathers were Egyptian gods.

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink) The Blue Jack Daniels – hell that could be a band name almost.

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers) Ralph Irvin

9. STRIPPER NAME: (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy) Old Spice Licorice – that’ll bring on the elderly ladies!

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names ) Arvine Earline – we is from dow’ South, ya know!.

11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter) Cline Casa Grande – si, it will be hot tamale!.

12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower) Winter Tulips

13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + "ie" or "y") Pineapple Socky.

14. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree) Water Oak

15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”) The Reading Lightning Tour – at your local library soon!

Other people's children ...

That is a phrase I have picked up from somewhere. I don't recall my parents saying it, so I don't know where I heard it from before. But Every now and then, I find myself shaking my head and muttering that under my breath. Reminds me how much I dislike Stupid People. Posters for birth control. How to stagnate a gene pool. ::sigh::

Day two of this week, and everything still feels weird. I have an employee leaving for a weeks vacation to the Islands (Hawaii). I have gotten no less than 20 emails and phone calls from him - in the office - reminding where we are at on every one of his deals. AND, he expects me to keep him up to date on everything while he is gone. With a few hours difference between here and HI, I am sure I am going to do that.

The office appears emptier each morning I walk in. I was informed yesterday evening we will be moving in about 2 weeks. I wonder how many more LO's we'll lose in the move.... Just when things were getting good, everything slows down.

Hmm. Someone just me some work to do. Think I will visit the crapper and then get these done prior to leaving for the day.

PeacE

This is going to be a weird week ...

I woke up this morning feeling ready for work. Actually anticipating getting into the office and starting right into the work I need to do today. Here it is early afternoon, and I still have this desire to get stuff done. Only there isn't much at the moment because I caught everything up. Now it is sit and wait for responses and new stuff to come in.

I must be sick, or dreaming, to feel this way about work - on a Monday of all days. But I cannot tell any obvious signs : no fever, no sicky feelings, pretty much bright eyed and bushy tailed. Somebody must have slipped some kind of mind altering drug into a drink or food over the weekend. I bet it was the Wife's meatloaf last night. After all, she called and asked me what I wanted, and it was ready pretty damn quick. Hmmmm, I'll keep her on the list of suspects.

Maybe it was amount of actual good sleep I got last night. I fell asleep on the couch watching TV for a couple hours, then after supper went to bed early (9'ish). The daughter does not have early band practice this whole week, so no need to get up early, then go back to bed. I don't know. I just think it is weird to look forward to going in to work - even though I really like my job. Now *that's* weird.

More weird. I walked into the office like normal today, and realize about 2/3 of the cubicles have been taken down and removed. I walked fast to my office, and everything was still there. We are now using maybe 1/3 the office space, and 4 offices, plus the break room. I know we are changing locations, but the branch owners have not told anyone as to when. It will only be about 5 miles from where we are now, so not much longer of a commute for me (thank goodness!). I remember when I first started with these guys, it was downtown Phoenix so 35 minutes in the morning, and 45-60 on the way home, at 6pm. Right now it is about 10 minutes both ways, freeway, against the traffic. Much nicer.

For all my softball team members, this is for you. I'M SORRY ALREADY!!! Sunday morning we played in our bar league. I am the scorekeeper for our team generally, and I messed up the game for us. I had forgotten to mark a run we scored in an early inning, so a couple innings later, when asked the score, I showed it as a tie (we were actually one up). Once it was pointed out to me about the run I miscounted, due to play continuing at that point, we had to go with the tie score. The end of the game came up a tie (time limit was up) when in all counts it should have been a 10-9 victory for us. So again, I am sorry, and if y'all want to replace me, feel free.

So after starting my day with that big error, I went on down to the pub to hopefully watch my Redskins win. Green Bay took that joy out of my day. But Dallas lost! Now if the Giants will lose tonight to Atlanta, I'll be a little bit happier. The pub I usually hang out at is having a HUGE 'Tail Gate Party' next Sunday for the Cardinals @ Redskins game. I am sure there is going to be a lot of insults thrown around, and food to eat. I know I plan on being there in my Art Monk Jersey to support my team.


One of the blogs I read quite often, is Neanderpundit ran by Og. Over the past weeks/months he has spoken about the diets and surgeries that he has gone through. Some posts are a bit grosser than others (which is funny) but tells quite a bit about some drastic dieting/food changes. My boss last Friday was mentioning to me about this new program his doctor is running, paired up with an owner of a Gold's Gym here in Phoenix. They have put together a dietary/exercise program especially designed for those that are 60+ pounds overweight. It is a 12 week program, and is billed to your insurance. There is supposed to be a meeting within the next couple of weeks, and I will be attending. I wouldn't mind losing 40+ pounds, and getting into a better eating/exercise lifestyle. It will be interesting for sure.

Okay, enough about my weekend and stuff. Anyone else do anything fun? Let me know, the comments around here seemed to have dried up.

PeacE

It's That Time of Day again ...

The time of day where I have come to a slow spot. Hurry and wait time, I tend to call it. So, I figured I could waste some time, boring you readers with drivel.

So I am down at the pub last night, waiting for karaoke to start to get those songs outta my head, and of course the obvious happens. They don't have either song in the book. Instead I sang different songs by those two artists, and it worked. The songs quit playing in my head. Well, it was either that, or the drinks that did it. All I got to say is mission accomplished!

Tonight is going to be a semi-quiet one. After work I am headed home to try and finish watching season one of "Deadwood". Friends had mentioned it is really good, but I seem to be having a hard time getting into the story. Maybe this last disc of the season will hold the really interesting part of the story. If not, well, I got "The Last Mimzy" at home as well.

I seem to be all caught up on my book reading. In fact, last night I had to hunt through several, and came across one I have not finished yet - "Shadowplay" by Tad Williams. I figure I have enough left in that one to last until my last book order comes in with "The Good Guy" by Dean Koontz. That, or I will have to make a trip to the store.

Well, I am sure several bloggers are on their way to Helen, GA for the meet-up. Wish I could have had the time to take off from work, and the money to fly in to the party. Lord knows I could use a bash like this about now. Instead I will have to wait for the Annual Men's Trip to Mexico that we are planning for February. Y'all that are traveling, hope you have no troubles. Toss back a drink for me.

PeacE

Oh boy! Today is a doozy! I got the music running through my head like crazy and I can't get it to stop! Not that it is a bad song ... See if you recognize this first verse:

When the night returns just like a friend
When the evening comes to set me free
When the quiet hours that wait beyond the day make
Peaceful sounds in me
Took a drag from my last cigarette
Took a drink from a glass of old wine
Closed my eyes and I could make it real and
Feel it one more time

Oh yeah.. if your under 30 you may not know it. So I got this song running through my head, then it switches over to this one :

Coffee black, cigarettes,
start this day, like all the rest,
First thing in the morning that I do,
is start missing you

Okay, this one is from a bit earlier than the first. I'll even give you a hint... it's Country. So these two songs are playing back to back to back in my head, and I'm plugging away at the paperwork humming them. Talk about some weird looks from those passing by my office .... I have a feeling I will be going out for karaoke tonight at the regular pub. Wonder if they have either song - be my luck they won't.

Works okay. Family is okay. Car is running. Time to start watching for the next bad thing to happen. I'm such a pessimist. I'll leave you with this last bit from Murphy's Law:

An Optimist is never pleasantly surprised.

Wondering about the songs still? The first one is Neil Diamond "If You Know What I Mean" and the second is Don Williams "Some Broken Hearts Never Mend".

PeacE