Some Email humor and then some

I have been mentally blank for the past few days. I am hoping it is something that is going to end soon. Since WoW is down for maintenance, and I have nothing else, enjoy a couple emails I got this morning....

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . .. . .

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: " Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every
time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine against that: When
your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of
chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and
gargle".

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman: "Doc that was a brilliant idea! Every time my
husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile
tea and he never touched me.

Doctor: "you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"

I must have sat there and giggled for a few minitues about this one. Luckily, the Wife didn't hear me.... Here is our next selection:

What to do when you sit next to a jerk on an airplane. (or any where else for that matter.)

1. Take out your laptop. 2. Slowly open your laptop. 3. Turn it on.. 4. Make certain your neighbor is watching. 5. Open your internet browser. 6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look up to the sky, or the heavens if you will. 7. Breathe deeply and open the site (http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html) 8. Look at the expression on your neighbor's face.

Hopefully this will still show up...

PeacE

OMG! You want to read this!

I could not help myself. I was reading through the mass amount of e-mail I receive on a a daily basis, clicking the "delete from this list" on my spams and whatnot. When I came across this little story, and I wanted to share with you, my fellow readers, because it is so damn funny!

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping.No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my butt -hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my butt-cheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt hair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech.

Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my butt of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My butt was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two butt-cheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop - molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat,and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads.

I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my butt off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my butt cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my butt at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for butt-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my butt cheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in asstubble. Imagine your butt having the texture of a Brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now.It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR BUTT-HAIR!

Don't laugh too hard! It coulda been one of your cousins!

PeacE

Finally a day where I can relax!

Let's start off with a big YEEHAW! because it is Friday and I am glad!!

I don't know what happened to yesterday. I didn't get a post in, and I wasn't busy at work. I must have just lost track of time surfing the net for stuff - like this:
Yup, gotta love the boobage. Of course, I don't know why, but I am trying to keep it fairly low keyed. But sometimes it just gets too exciting...
See, that kid knows what I am talking about!!
Yeah doggie dog! My kinda toy! Anyways, so Nascar is in Phoenix this weekend, and I am not going to be able to go. Unfortunately was unable to find a ticket, and I don't really have the money to buy one. Thought about just going to the track and partying with some people I know in RVs, but nah. Instead I am going to take the three boys up to the train yard and ride the trains. They are the smaller ones that ride like 1 kid to a car. A friend from the pub works up there as an engineer, etc.

I came across this pic somewhere - I didn't do the circle in red, but I do like answer #4. Looks like a class of 6 year olds and she is training them right!

Tonight has decent plans. One of my buds is having a bacci ball party this eve at his place. So after work I shall endeavor to quaff a few beers, and etc. prior to going home. Glad he lives pretty close to me.

Sunday starts our softball tournament. Hopefully we will win our first game. It's double elimination, and it sucks to lose the first 2 games right away.

Okay, I started feeling a bit guilty (read - not really, but came across this) for the ladies that actually read this drivel. Enough has been going on about boobies that I could find something for them. Here ya go!

For the times we are just not around.

How about a joke for you, extra special because it is Friday!!

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are
chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men.

That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and
a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He
saw me and said, "You are the woman of my life. I love you." Then we
made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office
and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had
wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for
the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he
came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

Okay, I think that is going to conclude the posting for the moment anyways. I am thinking about hitting Taco Bell for some chihuahua meat tacos for lunch.

PeacE

EDIT: I forgot to mention Maeve is in the game! Check out her boobage pic!!

All good things come to an end

Yes. That saying is true. Here it is now Monday and the great weekend I had is now over. Usually I am very un-energized when it comes to Mondays, knowing I am going into work again and facing 5 days of boredom. But today, I feel pretty pepped up. I don't know if it is because I slept really good last night, or the fact I actually made my ass get out of bed and go to the gym this morning. Maybe a bit of both.

Saturday was a good day. I participated int he video golf tournament and tied for 2nd place. Instead of doing a sudden death playoff, the two of us just split the combined 2nd & 3rd place pay offs. So I made $45 after the $20 buy-in. Then I played poker that night and ended up about 7th - but no payout there. Sunday, the driver I had in the pool took third place, so another $50 was won there. By this point, I was ready to go to the casino, but instead took the time to take the family out for dinner.

So that brings us to this point, where I have nothing inspiring, or drastic to share. Maybe I will just leave a couple jokes for you, and move on for the day.

A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."

And one more just because....

Q: You know what's the worst part of getting a lung transplant?
A: The first few times you cough, the phlegm that comes up...is not your own.

Alrighty folks. I think that will make the list for today. Be sure to tune back in tomorrow where I might even have something to bitch about. In the meantime, I am waiting for 5 more hours to escape the workplace and go have some steak dinner and read my newest Harlan Coben book "The Woods".

PeacE

Some Holiday week humor for you ...

I came across this one in some email I received from a friend. Nice to know I am not the only one with this kind of humor, so I share with you!

A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach.On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.

The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same.The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.

The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon. Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband inquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"

The wife again refuses.

This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse.However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and inquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"

The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" she asks, hesitantly.

"I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."

Thursdays just got a bit funnier

What a busy week for me. I have already put in close to 50 hours this week since the damn battery in the car is giving me problems. I still ain't got that damn positive line off the battery, and I am just letting it sit until Saturday when I have time to deal with it. By the time I get home int he evenings now, it's too dark to mess with trying to get it off.

So, since I ain't got nothing but business and bitching to do this week, here's some funnies I got through the mail....

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable
little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said,
"what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to
come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it
just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest
thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with
her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says,
"Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"


PeacE

Friday isn't getting here fast enough...

A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell
only seconds after she got up from the couch."

The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."

I never declared to be a wonderful morning person, and today it is very apparent. I read the above joke from my lists, and had to read it three times before my mind became clear enough to understand what I was reading. I feel like I am still waking up, and I have been at work for an hour already. I actually have some stuff to take care of this morning ... and I just ain't awake enough to want to do it. But it will get done sometime today.

I forgot until today, yesterday was the Reverend Mother's wedding anniversary of 26 years I think she said last week. Yippy skip for her. She just likes reading her name on here every now and then - just like Stuman. That way when they Google their name, a site shows up....lol!

Okay, I need to run. The taskmaster is back asking why the stuff he gave me 20 minutes ago isn't done.... Be back later.

PeacE

More Tuesday Humor

Okay, I got some more jokes for ya, fits right in line with the other post today. So if you is still not feeling well, then I guess you should stop reading today. Me? I am getting ready to go to lunch....

One day, a mom was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.This was highly upsetting for her.She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"

The dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

Now that wasn't so bad. Made me giggle a little. How's about this one.....

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "

"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

Wokka wokka wokka! And for the grand finale for Tuesday's humor session, your last joke from me today, the funniest one (I think) yet shown today....

Three men had a very late night drinking Guiness. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

To which the second guy replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"

There was silence for a moment and then the first guy exclaimed, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."

Y'all have a good one, and see ya back tomorrow. Til then...

PeacE

Boy, it sure is going to be a slow one ...

... I can tell already. Here I am at work barely an hour or so, and I am already posting. I haven't done my daily reads yet, but still ... this lack of work is driving me insane. Even if it is just a short trip for me....

Okay, might as well get the next Big Ten school up here for the week. Tomorrow will be the last ones I am doing, and for bonus because I like Fridays, I'm doing 2 schools. I know, you ladies are soooooo excited about coming here tomorrow, huh? Too bad this place isn't called Beefcake and Beer, ay?




Guess which pic is my wife and you could win - Naw! I am just kidding! She is not in any of these pics. I would be struck by lightning from above if I did something like that, without her knowing. Today is the Reverend Mother's birthday, and I have got to get out and get some present for her yet. She gave me a few ideas the other night.

Okay, and here is some extra humor I found laying around. Thought I could have it take up some space here.

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute, then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

PeacE

More Mid Week Humor

I don't know if I have shared this one before or not, but here goes ...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?" "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN - DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

PeacE

Sometimes, it just ain't enough ...

... and I am talking about the number of days in the weekend. I feel like there should have been at least 1 more day to rest up from the week before, or at least get done what I need to get done. Instead, I feel more like I didn't accomplish much.

I did pick up the last Harry Potter and finished it this weekend. I have passed along to my daughter for the week whilst she is at NAU for band camp. Then she will pass to the oldest son to read. I for one am just glad that the series is over. I only have to wait for 2 more movies, then it is pretty much done. I doubt they will expand on that writer's universe more than they already have.

Two more days of EOM, then I can relax again here at work. I have a feeling I am going to be one hell of an asshole to the LO's today already. I have had an argument with a realtor in Texas first thing when I walked in, so I know I already am not in a very good mood. So I went to read my emails, and had a joke that helped brighten me up a bit. For your Monday humor, until I get in a better mood, here's a joke for the day:

When my wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day, she yelled, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me
do something I don't want to do."

"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this."

PeacE

Another day completed

Whew! I tell you what, this workload is starting to increase, and I love it! I even came in a half hour early this morning, and just now am finishing up on what I can accomplish today. I am happy production is up and getting better!

Not that much to write about for this past weekend. I spent most of it at home with the family, catching up on movies and doing some reading. I think I am the only person to not get the HP book out, but will probably pick it up soon, before spoilers start ruining everything.

I think I am fully recovered from the San Diego trip, and I don't have much to share about the last days there. Actually, truth of it is, I don't remember much of that. I even asked some of the guys if they had some to share of it, and they couldn't really think of much either, except we sat in the bar and drank alot.

So with out much more ado, I am closing today out with another funny for the day.

Two men, Dan and Bob, were sitting in a bar, talking over a few beers.Dan was noticing how down Bob looked.

"What is wrong Bob, you look likehell."

Bob agreed with him. "Yeah and I feel like it too, I caught my wife with my best friend today."

Dan was stunned. "My God, Bob, what did you say to her?"

"I told her to pack her stuff and get out, it was over."

"Good for you, and what did you say to that so called friend of yours?"

Bob looked at Dan dead in the eyes. "I grabbed him by the collar, pulled him up and said...Bad Dog."

PeacE

Moday Come Early

I have gotten so much sleep this weekend, I feel tired today. One of those things that just doesn't seem to make sense. Maeve - you are correct. Let's start off with a little humor for this morning...


I was in Walmart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked me if I had a dog... (DUHHHH)??

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her NO and that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended u p in the hospital the last time. BUT, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of
my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.)

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said, Oh NO!, I'd been sitting in the street licking my privates when a car hit me.

I thought the tall black dude in back of the line was going to have to be carried out.


PeacE

Another Punny

Peter and Alfred Nussbaum were tailors and partners in the firm Nussbaum Brothers. After many years they decided to Anglicize their names and henceforth the firm should be known as the Nuss Brothers.

After completing the legal paperwork, they informed the receptionist, Ethel, that from Monday on she should answer the phone as "Nuss Brothers."

"I quit," said Ethel.

"But why?", asked Peter, "the pay and benefits will be the same!"
"Yeah? Well, YOU answer the phone then. I don't want to answer and find that the caller says he wants to speak with Mr. Nuss. Then I have to say..... "Yes Sir; which one? P-Nuss or A-Nuss?"

Morning Humor

Some jokes that have come in the e-mail today to wake you up this morning.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough daytrying to get a stay of execution for a client whowas due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His lastminute plea for clemency to the governor had failedand he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, hiswife started on him about, "What time of night is thisto be getting home? Where have you been? Dinner iscold and I'm not reheating it" And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiarritual, he went and poured himself a double shot ofwhiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in thebathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarksas he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright , had been granted a stay of execution afterall. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must havehad, she decided to go upstairs and give him the goodnews. As she opened the bathroom door, she wasgreeted by the sight of the front of her husband,naked, bent over, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around and screamed,

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER LET UP?!"

What to do today...?

Hmmmm, that sure is the question at the top of my mind. I feel so unmotivated to do anything. No pep, no zip, nada. I could sit here in the chair and sleep away the rest of the world. But since I cannot do that, I will have to do something else. Here is a joke so you can have a laugh today.

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktaill lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are as luvly, luvly lady ... can I persuade you to give me a piece of ice?"

"Lord, that is the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not!? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else sir?"

"Why yes, " replied the Southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where I come from in Ten'see, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

Okay, so now you have had your funny bone touched, I have one thing more for you. I cameacross this poem the other day, and for some reason, it really stands out ot me. I have been reading it and starting to understand it. Either way, I feel a bit motivated after reading it, so I am sharing with you. Prepare for mental awakenings!!

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

- William Ernest Henley 1849-1903

PeacE

I have to go where to light up my smoke?

That seemed to be the question in many places in Arizona yesterday. I had went to my regular hangout after work, and had a laugh just seeing some of the faces of the smokers there. The owner has enclosed some patio area at the rear of the bar that is capable of holding about 15 people comfortably - standing up - with no room to move. It looks more like a zoo cage. He intends to make the area larger, but for initial purposes this is what he has. I kid you not, at one point there were more people out smoking then there was in the bar. I am thinking of going somewhere else tonight to see what other places are doing. I know the Denny's I was at for lunch is total smoke-free now...

The office is pretty damn quiet today. I have a bad feeling about that. Something is about to happen and I hope it brings me more work.

Saturday is Cinco De Mayo. What are your plans? Well, being in a place that has many peoples from Mexico (and other places) that have astrong influence on the economy here, I know where I won't be - somewhere celebrating their damn crap. Find me an All-American restaurant and bar - eat steak, baked potato and drink Budweiser and Jack. Hell Yeah! Damn, I do that most weekends anyways... well, maybe not most - but several! I am not going to be caught at some "mexican" restaurant. Nope - no Garcia's, Caramba's, Macayo's, or Taco Bell for this guy.

Since we are on the subject of hispanics, made me think of a couple of them jokes.... you know, the ones where you look over both shoulders before you start...

EDIT: If you are going to accuse me of racial issues, you might as well log off my blog now. I am a bigot. I hate everyone equally, and I will share whatever kind of joke, story, made up or real about any race, color, creed or religion. Don't like it - don't come here - and don't read any further. 'Nuff said, let's laugh a little.

Q: Why do mexican women wear long dresses?
A: To hide the 'no-pest' strips

Q: Why do mexicans eat jalapenos?
A: So when their ass stops burning, they will know it is time to eat again.

Yeah, so they weren't that great, so here is my funny one I have been telling lately:

A zebra dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates he sees St. Peter and asks him, "Am I white with black stripes, or black with white stripes?"

"I do not know. you'll have to find God and ask him," replies St. Peter.

The zebra goes on and enters heaven. After awhile of traipsing about, he sees God and presents his question to him.

God replies, "You are what you are."

The zebra is unsure of this answer and ponders it as he walks around. Soon he comes back across St. Peter who asks the zebra, "Did you find God and ask your question?"

"Yes," the zebra says. "However I am still not sure which is correct. All God told me was 'You are what you are'."

"There you see! You are white with black stripes!" Exclaims St. Peter.

"How can you be sure?"asks the zebra.

"If you were black with white stripes, God would have said 'You is what you is'."

Well, I am off to finish up the book I currently have in the office "Hornet's Nest" by Patricia Cornwell. Hope you all have a happy Humpday, and we'll talk at ya later!!

PeacE

Lots of Stuff for you today

I just realized I have posted like 2 or 3 times today. I couldn't beleive I had that much fodder in the mental department to work out. Well as I wind out my last 45 minutes of the workday, we'll through some humor your way. I deleted some #'s as I didn't agree with what they said, but most of these ring fairly true.

The Asshole Bill of Rights
As an ASSHOLE, I proclaim the following:
#1 I will live my life the way I deem fit, screw political correctness.
#2 I have the right to choose my religious path if I choose one at all.Christianity be damned.
#3 If I want to eat a cow, I will eat a cow.
#4 I have the right to hang up on telemarketers midsentence and not havetoworry about whetheror not I was polite.
#5 If I think someone's an idiot, I will tell them they're an idiot.
#6 I have the right to tell children that their parents aren't raisingthemcorrectly. (Think of howmany times you've been at a supermarket and heard a screaming child theentire time...whatexactly would you want to say that'd be any nicer?)
#7 If you don't know what you're talking about, shut the hell up
.#8 You may have the right to speak, but I don't have to listen to you
.#9 If I want to be rude, loud, and obnoxious, it's a free country.
#10 If I want to go to a bar, destroy my liver with alcohol, clog myarteries with junk , and have unsafe sex with the woman/man I just met, I ought to be able to smoke while I'm at it.
#11 I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can go to Jenny Craig.
!#13 Denis Leary should be proclaimed God and given reign over society.
#14 Your daughter just got drunk at a party, made a slut of herself, andyou're worried about my religious beliefs?
#15 Before you tell me how to run my life, be certain that your own is squeaky clean.
#16 Just because you work at McDonald's doesn't mean you have an excusetohave an I.Q.under twelve.
#17 (Courtesy of George Carlin) Just because you're a student does notmeanthat you're anymore enlightened than someone that works at Blockbuster.
#19 If you're stupid enough to give me credit, deal with theconsequences.
#20 It's ignorant to charge someone $25 if they bounce a check for $5.(If Ididn't have the $5,what makes you think I'm going to have $25 you retards!!)
#21 If you don't like the way I drive then at the next red light get outfrom under my car.
#22 If your dog or cat is so smart, then why do you talk to it like it'sanewborn baby?
#23 If I shoot you while you're committing a crime, and you try to sue me for it, I'll shoot you again.
#24 Courtesy of Ben Franklin: Anyone who would give up freedoms and liberties for temporary security deserves neither freedom or security.
#25 If you live in Tornado Alley, don't whine when you get hit by a tornado.

Wednesday funny

Since I have nothing of value to share today, I will put in my favorite joke. I don't think I have done that yet ... and maybe I will think of something interesting to write about.

Here's the joke:

Two morticians were working over a body one day when one turns to the other and says,"You should have been here yesterday."

"Why is that?" the other replies.

"We had a female in here, and her clitoris was like a pickle."

"Really? It was green and bumpy?"

"No. It was sour."

And on that note, whilst you all are laughing your asses off ( I am merely snickering since I am still at work) I got nothing else to say today. It's almost beer thirty!!!

PeacE

Friday Funny

My wife had e-mailed this one to me, and I thought I would share since I laughed at it. Talk at ya later!

PeacE

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.

Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"