Sleep Hates Me

Here it is, yet another night that I am not in bed, comfortable asleep and dreaming of wonderful things that I am supposed to dream about.

Instead, I am wide awake and pissed off. I feel failure in trying to teach my kids responsibility, and other things important, like trustworthiness. And because I fail at these things, this is why I get it tossed right back to me in my face, and makes me angry. Let me explain a little... if you are bored enough to read on ...

In this past year, the Daughter (on reaching her 18th year of life) has been the typical rebellious youth that I think we as a society, expect and see. We have clashed as she refuses to comply to our curfew times, times to be home, times to be in bed, communicating with us if they are going to be late, or a change of plans, etc. Note, she has a cell phone, so it's not a problem to call us anytime.

Many of my friends are saying I am being too "controlling". Let her make her own mistakes. She'll have to suffer her own consequences. I have no problem with this, if she were on her own, if the younger boys didn't see this crap and expect to get away with it too (which they don't). If somehow, those repercussions would not affect me.

The daughter had asked last weekend about going out this Saturday night for dinner and maybe a movie with her boyfriend. 

Either way, I decided, I will try it. I had forgotten the trip to CA she and her mother were doing, but I went ahead and said, regarding her date on Saturday, "Sure! Just be home by midnight." That's fair? She was being picked up around 4'ish in the afternoon...midnight is fair.

I was mentioning it all to the Wife that night, who reminded me about the trip, and they were not due to return until like 3pm that day. Okay, so I spoke to the daughter again, asked that she at least mow the front lawn (the only "chore" she does here - not for lack of us asking her for other help - and one that she won't give up to her brother, as I suggest), but it only had to be done before she left on her date. So she had a few evenings to do it, before she even left for the trip.

Today is Saturday. They got back at 3pm. At 3:30, I mentioned that the front is still not mowed, and if she expected to leave at 4, she better get moving. That's when the complaining started. The muttering under her breath. What she thought I couldn't hear. I said not a word more. The lawn got done. I mentioned to the daughter, with the Wife present as well, that midnight meant IN THE HOUSE. Not just got home, and outside talking, not saying a last goodbye. Means in the house, door locked, getting ready for bed. She says "OK" and she went out on her date.

By 11 I was done in. The Wife had already migrated to the bedroom, and I shut down the house and headed that way too. I left the front door unlocked, expecting to hear it when she came in. At this point, I had assumed I had heard the boyfriend's truck already pull up out front, and as their "usual thing" standing at the side of the house hugging and kissing and talking until the last possible minute she is due in the house. I was casually relaxing, not really trying to get to sleep yet. I figured I would hear her come in, she would hopefully tap at the door and let us know she was home, and then I could blissfully remove myself to dreamland.

By midnight, I had not heard anything. I asked the Wife, who also had not heard anything. I got up and went to the front room, checked my phone, it is after midnight now. Hand to chin, begin to scratch. What do I do? I check out the window. His truck is here. It is empty. Next thought...well, check if they are on the front stoop. I go to the door. It is locked. My mind is running the facts: Boyfriend truck is here, but sitting with no one in the cab. Front door is locked, so daughter had to come inside. What's the next logical thing?

I knock on her bedroom door. Light is on, coming from under the door, but no answer. I knock again. No answer. I open the door, find her leaning halfway out her window (one level home) the blinds had been pulled up. AllI said was, "Oh no. You didn't just try to pull the stupid shit I think you just did."

"What?" was all she said with a shocked look as she came back into the bedroom,

My temper went from a tad bit of actual concern that she was home safe, to I-can't-believe-she-climbed-out-the-windowdamnsheisinsomuchfuckingtrouble!!!!

I walked away towards my room. She started to say something like, "We weren't doing anything" but I shut it out, and just yelled back " I can't believe you tried to pull this shit."

BAck in the bedroom, I hear the boyfriend's truck start up, and I see the headlights go on down the street. He's lucky I needed to get some regular shorts on before I was going to confront him.... his turn is coming yet. I told the wife what happened. She said, put a screen on the window with screws tomorrow. Which I will be doing.

Then WE (the Wife and I together) are going to just lay it out to the daughter. No more TRUST. YOU WILL LEARN RESPONSIBILITY. It is now our way, or the day after graduation, you are gone, on your own, as you have screamed at us constantly everytime we tell you, you messed up our trust. WE ARE DONE.

I wonder, if no money for the other college expenses grants do not cover is a concern? I wonder, if we will need to tell other family members, so that they do not take her in, without knowing why she is not at home. I wonder how much humility I will eat, and suffer through, because I was not a good parent in teaching this to my daughter and she has turned out the way she has. Plans are already being made for when she is out, the changes we are implementing in the home for the boys. We don't want to make the same mistake twice. I don't think the family, or the world would like that.

PeacE