I hit a bad place tonight. No clue what brought it on.
I finished out my work day ... it was a bit longer than usual, but nothing overly bad. Got home a bit later than the "usual". It is Monday, and though not a night I go hang out, I felt the need to get out from the house. Didn't call the buddies ... just headed to the pub to have a couple, read my Kindle ... relax a couple hours.
I was reading THE DARK DEFILES, by Richard Morgan. Third book in his series A LAND FIT FOR HEROES. I got an ARC (Advanced Readers Copy) through NetGalley.com. Maybe that is why my mind took a little walk on the weird side. I say that, for those that might have read any of the series ...
I came home. I have seemingly half a million thoughts of things that need to get done, people that need to be seen/talked to, and let us not get started on what needs to be done to get the boys ready for school. Oh, and yeah, I was a bit inebriated. Not as much as I wanted, because I left the last two drinks on the bar, with hardly a sip out of them. There was a calling .... for me to leave them there, so I did. This wasn't the first time.
So I came home, the Wife and I talked a bit. Little bit of this, little bit of that. Turned about 1am, I said, I know you need your sleep....
I put my CPAP on. Normally I fall asleep within minutes, just because ... well, I do. I heard the Wife fall asleep. I could tell. She snores, very lightly, and she won't admit to it, but after 23+ years .... yeah I know. And I laid there, wondering why I wasn't falling asleep.
Then shit started in my mind.
First it was the email I got from my grandparents (on Dad's side) just recently, which I hadn't written back to them since the last one I received about two months ago. They aren't spring chickens, and the guilt started flooding in.
WHAT GUILT?!? Why do I feel guilty? I don't know. I was in that half-asleep/half-awake stage, with my CPAP on, wondering why I have tears flowing from my eyes. And memories. Stuff from when I was younger, but seeing it from my older perspective. What could I have done different, is there something I could have done, if I done that, would this have happened if this was done..... The old second-guess game.
At some point, I stopped, and pretty much came to my senses. How else would I have gotten here, though it has been over an hour since I got out of bed. I didn't have shellfish, but something messed with my head good tonight. No, alcohol usually doesn't do that, in fact, it helps blank most guilt I feel ... though, I think I don't have any. Fuckers deserve what they get.
Retaliation? Could be.
Scared to go to sleep tonight? Yeah. A bit.
Do we all have demons we don't want to face? Maybe. RM would say give it all to God, and if you are true in your belief of Him taking them, He will. That's why RM prays for me so much.
Sometimes, I wish it were so easy to give up. RM, I don't need a speech ....