Obligations and Guilt

I am a bit guilt-ridden today. No, Reverend Mother, it wasn't you. I have given myself this built of guilt. It is a guilt by a feeling of obligation. Does that make sense?

I have mentioned before about how my FIL has Parkinson's Disease. It is pretty advanced, and since there is no cure for it, all the docs can do is prescribe medicine that help ease some of the symptoms (like palsy, etc.). The MIL has been the sole caregiver since he was afflicted, and the strain it is having is immense. Months ago I started helping by sitting with Dad while Mom went out to do grocery shopping once a week. Nothing major, just a couple hours on one day. It was mainly to be sure Dad didn't fall and hurt himself, or roll off the couch. These days, he sits/lays on the couch most of the day, as most motor controls, balance, ability to verbalize have all pretty much left him. This school year, I have added in more time to sit with Dad while Mom runs over to the school to pick up my boys. She does it as they stay at her place until the Wife gets off work. Since I don't have AC in my van, it worked out with this arrangement for all of us, as Mom gets a break and out of the house for a little while as well.

Today was a bit more busy than most days. As soon as Mom left, Dad proceeded to throw pillows onto the floor, and to try to get down and crawl around. We try to let him do this, as several times he has fallen and hurt his knees, even hit his head. The whole balance and motor skills thing. So I spent most of a half hour getting him back to sitting on the couch, which consists of quite a bit of physical work - assisting him to rise and turn, plus from the floor level. Dad has lost a lot of weight, but still....

So to the part I am feeling guilt about. I had told Mom I would not be able to sit with Dad this Friday afternoon for the half hour she goes to get my boys. Part of it is, I have been doing this for awhile, and frankly, I am tired of it. I wanted a day off basically. And after today, which has been the worst yet when watching Dad, I am really tired of it all. It would be nice to get Dad into a LTC or other assisted living place, but money is a big issue. Even with small assistance from us, Mom & Dad would not be able to afford it. So bottom line is that our arrangement is going to go on indefinitely.

I don't want to be doing this. Granted, I generally am not doing anything of importance at the times I sit with Dad. I just don't want to deal with this. Maybe it is issues of having done similar things with my Dad, before he passed. I don't know. I just don't like doing it. I know it is helping Mom out a lot, though. And over the past 20+ years, they have helped us out in more ways than I can count (babysitting all the kids is the biggest one). I feel obligated to do this. Feeling Guilt based on Obligation.

Sigh. Mean to think it, but sometimes, it seems things would be much better if Dad would pass away. I hate thinking that, but it would be better for Mom, due to the stress she is under in care-taking. Yeah, more self-guilt. Or is that self-pity? I don't know. I just know I feel like shit because of it.

PeacE