I am a cheating MF'er. I am so damn tired that I don't feel like posting anything worthwhile. And since I feel that way, the Reverend Mother sent me an e-mail story I thought would be cute to share with you. But the only ones that will truly enjoy it are the female readers that have children... anyways, read on.
3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall. By Shannon Popkin
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My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does
it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the
library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often
comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned- 3-year-old. And you
never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked.
There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of
his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never
have I wished this more than last week at Costco.
Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with
me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom
that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:
"Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on
the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now?
Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?"
At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the
bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we
could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this
stall and reveal my identity.
Cade continued, "Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a
good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on
the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh ... Mommy! I'm trying to
see In dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna
get some candy!"
I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of
me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her?
Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely
waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, "Why
don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy.
We'll both have some!"
"No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!" He started to
gag at this point. "Uh oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze
stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!"
As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I
quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject.. I began
to reason with myself:
OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be
reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing
monologue will be long gone.
"Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going
stinkies! Get up! Get up!" He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now
I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door.
"Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door?
What were you wooking at, Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?"
More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.
"Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy."
He started pounding on the door. "Mommy, don't you want to wash your
hands? I want to go out!!"
I saw that my "wait 'em out" plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened
the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies
crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud. My first
thought was complete emabarassment, then I thought, "Where's the fine
print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?"
But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly
soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away
again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.
(Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives
with her family in Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she no longer uses
public restrooms)
PeacE
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